My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


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Word of the Year: Appreciation

As I have written in past posts I choose a word a year and examine the role it plays in my life, my thoughts, and emotions for a year. Last year was Resistance and I am so relieved the year was up in October. I picked a tough one but I learned how much resistance plays a role in just about every aspect of my life. I learned I resisted just about everything that showed up. I have come very far with my relationship with resistance but I also learned I have a long way to go. After a year of examination I am exhausted and glad to be moving on. I know I will have to revisit Resistance later on but that being said I had to pick a new word. I decided my new word would be Appreciation.

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You would think this would be a much more gentle word to examine and in many ways it is but on the flip side it also offers many challenges that I will have to face this year.Initially I began looking at all the many things I appreciate in my life. In doing so I found I have many things I appreciate but one must go deeper to really peel back the layers.

In my ministry training one of the things we needed to ponder was the complaining we did. There is nothing worse than a person that does nothing but complain but as I sat with that I would catch myself many times complaining about this or that and lo and behold I discovered the unpleasant fact that I too was a complainer. It becomes easier to recognize and discontinue the act of complaining when you must stop and think about what you appreciate about this situation instead. So far that is what I am doing. When I recognize a complaint bubbling up I stop and consider the part of the given situation that I appreciate instead of finishing the complaining thought. Its not always easy especially when you have been groomed to be the ultimate victim. That is literally the only way I knew how to go through life….looking at the victim part of myself instead of the grateful and appreciative part of myself.

I fully believe you can change your life if you merely change your thoughts.So I challenge myself to look at the part I appreciate in everything I do or experience in my life. I stop and consider everything through the lens of appreciation.

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Photo by Lisa Day

I have struggled so much over the last few years. Nothing is coming easy. I can pretty much count on everything I do to be the most difficult way possible. Feeling appreciation does not change the fact I must face these challenges but it certainly makes how I “feel” about the challenges much better. I have decided whenever I face these difficulties I can have appreciation for all it is teaching me and I appreciate the feeling I get when I finally achieve something or if it cannot be achieved than I appreciate just having the experience  and feel gratitude that it was probably not something that would have served me very well.

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Photo by Lisa Day

Today I am feeling very stuck….as I have been for quite sometime. So I forced myself to find the things I appreciate about the whole thing. In the time that I have felt stuck I have built a house with my husband and it is truly a beautiful house. I resisted the entire experience of building it but now that it is built and I am living in it I really do appreciate it. I appreciate all the windows that let in so much light and sun and allows me to look out and see all the wildlife that comes through in a day. I hate that I do not have any cell reception and very limited internet reception but I am grateful that it is forcing me to find other ways to navigate my life in this technological age. I appreciate all that I have for it is so much more than many people who live on this planet. I wish I had the money to go and stand in solidarity with my fellow water protectors. I wish I had the money to send much needed supplies but I just don’t. I am unemployed right now so it is just not something I can do but I appreciate the power of prayer and the fact that I know that. The other day there was a post on my face book feed that encouraged everyone to go to their nearest body of water and to pray. I had to force myself to do it (when I feel stuck I lose all motivation and energy to do anything) but when I got to the water (the Mancos River in Mancos Colorado) all was quiet. It was just me and the river and it was so beautiful. I poured all my appreciation into the water, I said my prayer and I offered my tears and I felt so positive afterwards. My primal self could feel the water appreciate all the love I poured into it.

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Photo by Lisa Day

Right now about the only thing I can do for my loved ones and our Mother Earth and the Water Protectors is prayer but prayer is a powerful medicine and I appreciate that I recognize that.

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So I urge all who read this to sit and ponder all the things you appreciate in your life. I bet it will be much more than you even realized.

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Benefit of the Doubt

We have a new President Elect. Am I happy about who it is? Absolutely not! But I have done nothing but think on this for two days as I watched the hate, anger, fear and a lot of gloating come through on my Facebook page. In fact, I may have to take a break from Facebook for a while as I am just over it. Instead I would like to reflect on a few things.

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Let me start off by saying I became distraught and disillusioned when Hillary became the DNC nominee. I was for Bernie all the way. For the first time since I can remember I felt real hope for our country and my own situation as my situation has been pretty bleak for a number of years. I was devastated and outraged that the media refused to include him in any of their broadcasts and I was enraged at the obvious corrupt voting platform of our nation. Its not the first time but I was shocked to see my party taking part in it…I truly thought only the Republicans would stooped to such thievery. To me Bernie represented everything good in public office.To me Trump embodied everything evil in humanity and to me Clinton was going to just give us the same old same old. The only person I saw as my champion…that would fight for my rights and the rights of this planet was Bernie. So on voting day I wrote in Bernie’s name. I voted my conscience and probably helped to put Trump in the White House.

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At first I was angry and played with the blame game but the die is cast. What are we going to do? I have several friends that I love, admire and respect that voted for Trump. I heard the reasons why and frankly I could not blame them. They wanted all the things that I wanted. They truly believe this is the way to get it.

One of the things that has governed my life is giving people the benefit of the doubt. Until you prove to me otherwise I am going to go on the assumption that you are a good person. This has opened me up to pain and betrayal many times BUT it has also opened me up to some of the most satisfying relationships I could ever want. If I did not go in to these relationships with an open heart and an open mind I would have missed out. Yes I would have saved myself a lot of hurt but I would have also missed out on a lot of great things in my life. So now I must eat my words and give Donald Trump the benefit of doubt.

One of the things that made Obama’s Presidency such a trial is no one would work with him in Washington. The only people that hurt was us. Imagine what he could have done if Washington gave him a little support or the benefit of the doubt. More than anything I wish this broken country would unite in it’s own welfare. All the division and separation is crushing us and the world is watching. We are the UNITED states. Isn’t it time we acted like it?

So I will pray for our Mother Earth, I will pray for our country and I will pray for Donald Trumps success in the White House. Until he screws us over we owe him that. I will also do my part. For us to leave it all to Washington is a huge mistake. As my husband often says…”if you don’t like something then change it.” Change for the world begins within us. Stop the hate and the fear. Love your neighbor no matter what color, religion or sexual orientation because you just might meet the next great person in your life. Let’s focus on the good. As I write this I am nursing the flu I cannot shake and I have no health insurance to see a physician….oh and I am presently unemployed. I have several degrees but the most I can hope for is a job that pays 9 dollars an hour. Its hard and I am scared and very tired, discouraged and frustrated but none the less I am going to trust that all will work out.

I am grateful for this election because it finally shined a spot light on all that is very broken in our country. Perhaps that is Trumps job…maybe he will do nothing more than shine a light on more dysfunction, corruption and the unfairness of it all. In that case perhaps this will bring about the fixes and cures. It may be a terrible four years but if it leads us to healing then I for one am prepared to ride the storm because I have faith. This is my metaphor for all of this. When a forest becomes old and sick it then becomes vulnerable to disease and fire. The fire is devastating and horrible but what always comes up from the ashes? New growth and vitality. Our country has been a sick and dying forest for quite some time. I choose to see Trump as the fire. To that forest the fire is the worst thing imaginable and its devastating to the plants and animals that live there when a fire sweeps through but new growth is always the result.

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So that being said Lets all stay present, love your fellow human and all our relations including the ones who have no voice and look to the future. Be the example you would like to see in the world. Pour your love into everything you do and if you see something you don’t like then get up and change it no matter how terrifying it is. If you want to know what that looks like just watch what our brothers and sisters are doing at Standing Rock. Do not lose hope and do not give up. The sun will rise each day shining its light on all the beauty in the world, in humanity, and in you.

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And remember to always walk in beauty.


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Unconditional Love and the Oracle of Delphi

I think the closest I ever came to unconditional love was the love between my grandmother and I. I say this but who knows if it was so.

I left her side when I was 7 to live overseas. I didn’t come back for 8 years and when I did my parents and I moved to Virginia where my family including my grandmother lived in California. I was 15. It was that year that we had our first clue that my grandmother was beginning to show signs of dementia. At first we thought it was Alzheimer’s due to the fact her older brother had it when he had passed away. It was later we found out she was experiencing “mini strokes” and that was the reason she was slowly losing her senses. It was also the year I began to really rebel against my parents. I am so relieved she missed out on that phase of my life….perhaps her love would not have been so unconditional if she saw what I was doing or who I was becoming.

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The second source of unconditional love I experienced was from the 9 dogs I have had since I was 20. I did not have them all at once and they mostly all had very long lives. Once I discovered that love I devoted my life to dogs. First I rescued them, then I learned to groom and had my own grooming business. While doing that I learned to train them and finally I went and got my degree in Biology focusing on Animal Behavior.

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Who I really wanted unconditional love from was my husbands, my only child, my parents and even some friends…..but that is impossible. Looking back on my life I am ashamed I placed such high expectations on them….condemning them to fail in my eyes.

There is only one place, I believe, a person can find unconditional love and that is within themselves. This is why self-love is so freaking important for a person to experience true happiness and fulfillment. I do know that the Creator lives within each and everyone of us and perhaps that is the part we must try to connect to. But you cannot just love some parts of yourselves…you must love it all, the light as well as the shadows. I know for a fact that I will spend the rest of my life trying to achieve this goal for it is a very difficult task.

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I had my first spiritual experience when I was 14. I was living in Athens, Greece. I decided to go on a ski trip with my youth group. It was a very bad year for snow. I had never skied before and there was no snow on the bunny slope. So I got talked into doing some cross country skiing. However the trail we were on was a bit icy in the shadows and I literally went right over the side of the mountain. At that point I was pretty sure skiing just was not for me.  There was also no drinking age in Greece so everyone convinced me that going to a disco bar that night was a great idea as well. Needless to say I got really, really drunk.

Hungover the next day I decided to go visit the ruins right by the village we were staying in. You see the village we were at was Delphi. It is impossible to describe the ruins of Delphi. It is a beautiful, mystical place and should be on everyone’s bucket list. In among these magnificent ruins is the famous site for the Oracle of Delphi. I remember sitting there all alone surrounded by the ancient pillars watching the birds and clouds in the sky as the faint smell of olive trees drifted by me. It was there I felt a strong energy or vibration. Earthquakes were always a problem when I lived in Greece so at first I became alarmed that an earthquake was rumbling my quiet place. I quickly realized this was no earthquake but something all together different. I never heard a voice or saw some angelic being. Rather it was a deep knowing….like the energy that was vibrating around me was waking up the God Spirit within me. It was the energy of unconditional love and it was the most incredible feeling I have every experienced in my life. If I was to try to describe what the experience was like….what actually happened….the only thing I could say was when God reached in and touched my heart.

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I suppose when I was younger to cope with living in a very dysfunctional home I turned my heart off. I had put it carefully in a box and sealed it shut, never to be pricked again. But that day the Sacred had opened that box and after the whole heart opening experience was over I had to go back to my life and it was at that point that I worked very hard to find a way to put my heart back in its box. In doing so I hurt myself more than anyone else could ever had.

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I cannot undo that damage. I cannot wipe out the memories and pain but I have never forgotten the feeling of having my heart released and touched by God. That was the ultimate feeling of unconditional love. That was the day I received a very clear message that I must love myself to ever feel that feeling again.

I drove to see my daughter and my beautiful grandson’s yesterday and it occurred to me on the drive down that I can absolutely forgive myself of all my transgressions. I did the best I could and I cannot hold the blame alone. In fact no one has to be at fault. It was my path. Yes it was a difficult one and I probably made it much harder on myself then it had to be but ultimately I know who I am. It doesn’t really matter if anyone else does. This is really just between me and Spirit. And I believe I am a very good person.

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So….no…I haven’t reached that blissful state of unconditional love from within but I think I took a step closer yesterday. My reward was holding a sweet two month old infant to my chest and it was ecstasy.

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

Blog Posts I enjoyed today:

 

 


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Deprogramming Myself

How does one deprogram oneself from self limiting beliefs and self deprecating thoughts? I don’t really know actually but I am working on it.

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I was born into a world filled with people that thought I was a beautiful gift to their lives. As a child I didn’t give it much thought really. It was a given that I was loved and valued. I didn’t think I was better than anyone or that everyone else was less than me. I just was and it felt good. I loved my family and friends and they loved me and that was quite simply enough. Even when bad things happened to me I knew I was precious to those in my world so I could rise above these bad things that were done to me….not because of me but rather in spite of me.

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When I was 7 my mother remarried a man that saw me as a threat to his sense of well being. Then he moved his new small family away from all the people that made me feel safe and valued. At this tender age I found myself half a world and a great big ocean away from these loving people. When I walked in a room I felt the energy of resentment and disdain when all I had ever known was the energy of love and peace and acceptance. I quickly learned that the place I “belonged” was not in my new family but alone in my room. My room became my whole world. Finally two years later I was allowed to get a broken little kitten to share my world with. With my kitty, who had severe spina bifida, I learned to endure my isolation and filled my lonely days with a mystical and colorful imagination.

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But I began to question why. Why was I so unwelcomed? Why was my very presence enough to ruin a grown man’s day? As a young person I had no way of understanding that this man’s reaction to me was his problem….not mine. I loved him so much….why didn’t he love me back? I wanted to be around him….I was so hungry for his approval and acceptance. Didn’t he know that? Maybe it was because I wasn’t worth loving. Maybe there was something very wrong with me. I became reclusive and shy. I was becoming very ashamed of who I was. I had no one to stand up for me or at the very least to remind me of who I was. I slowly forgot that I was a very loved and valued human being. These people who were filled with gratitude that I existed might as well have been dead. They were not there when I needed them the most. It was no longer enough to just be. I had to somehow justify my existence.

My stepfather loved sports. I tried every sport there was but I failed time and time again. I was not a sporty person. I was a small, delicate child that loved to climb trees, pick flowers, read and write long letters to my beloved family back home and I loved the bond I had with my kitty. I sang and played music. All the things my stepfather could have cared less about. I tried to excel at school but it just was never enough. If I got a B I should have had an A. If I got that B up to an A then I should have been doing that all along. I often remember him saying disparaging remarks about College Graduates and Academics. Eventually I just gave up. I compared myself to everyone and I always came up lacking and falling very short.

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As I grew to be a teenager, still living thousands of miles away from my beautiful family in California, I slowly began replacing my step fathers voice with my own. I would tear myself down before he got a chance to do it first. I got very, very good at this one thing…a skill I have honed and refined to a fine art as I got older. I even surrounded myself with people that agreed with this brutal voice in my head which only further confirmed what I had come to believe as fact. “See Lisa, just as you have always suspected….you are ugly, worthless, stupid, and undeserving!”

I am 49 now and I know all of  this now to be untrue but how does one deprogram years and years of brainwashing and reprogram with the truth? I don’t know really. It is something I work hard at….to the point of madness. It’s exhausting work, especially having it do it alone. I guess that is why I love my Spiritual Tribe of my Minister Brothers and Sisters. They are constantly reminding me that I am a beautiful child of God. Sometimes I can actually see myself through their eyes. But our time together is very short and limited so eventually my familiar and comfortable self abusing thoughts creep back in leaving me crippled and debilitated.

This is a very difficult place to be in. I am in the in between place of habit and knowing better. More days than not I feel like a deer caught in headlights…..wanting to go and shine but too afraid to move just in case my step father was right all along. Every day I ask Spirit for help in letting go of those self limiting beliefs but it takes 4 things that I find really difficult to obtain….

Surrender. Trust. Allowing. Receiving. Basically to just let go and let it be.

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My greatest wish is one day to can find a way to rest in that. To find a way to risk and reach for my potential….the potential to find peace and to offer myself to the world in a way that makes me feel complete. It is my greatest desire to do so and if I can finally conquer my fear…well who knows what can happen.

Until then I will struggle to deprogram the lies and reprogram the soothing idea that I am beautiful, worthy, brilliant, and deserving!

I leave you with a song my grandmother use to sing to me…..one of those people that had me convinced at one time that those above descriptions were true:

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

Just a side note: My grandmother, whom I adored and adored me, had no possessions when she died…except for a box….filled with the letters I had written her when I lived so very far away.

 

Blog posts I have enjoyed today:

https://bearfootconnections.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/shamanic-drumming-video/

43 Perfect Letting Go Quotes For Moving On

Mind, Body, Soul Newsletter – March 2016

A Great horned owl’s flyby

https://livinglearningandlettinggo.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/on-living-and-dying-day-1-by-chaitanya-poole/

All in

http://sarcastica.ca/2016/05/scorned/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/scars/

https://higherdensity.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/teal-swan-the-catch-up-effect-the-real-reason-we-fear-change/

What’s your why?

 


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Know Thyself

Yesterday was a bad day….obvious to those who have started reading my blog. However, I knew that it was leading to a shift so I gave myself permission to rant and to play the sad violin for myself. Last night I was gifted with the presence of an angel. She is quite possibly the wisest and most compassionate person on the face of the earth. All she did was hold that precious space for me as I talked to her to work out what my angst was and the solution came from my own voice. That is when you know you are in the presence of a great teacher.

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Now it is time to practice what I preach….to be the change I would like to see in the world. I want to be of service. I want to leave this place just a little better than when I arrived but it just seemed everywhere I turned I was thwarted by my very efforts. Yes…being of service and helping others and our dear Mother Earth is a passion of mine but as my husband asked me the other day “what does that look like?” and I had no answer. I threw out a bunch of stuff and they are all great ideas and aspirations but one must whittle those things down to a specific idea so one can focus more clearly on the “how.” This was a place I have been stuck in for a long time but my own words to my teacher and friend in a letter I wrote clearly stated in black and white what my passion was…..my own healing.

The road up to this point has been a challenging one but I see so clearly where it has been taking me. To my own healing and to the many beautiful things that can, have and will happen as a result. Everything else is simply ego driven and that is not what the world, or anyone for that matter, needs right now. I have spent my life taking care of others and there towards the end it was not going so well. It led to the most devastating trauma I will ever face. The anger at that trauma is finally gone. It left a month or so ago as I realized it has placed me right here at the door step of my own healing and salvation. There is no longer blame at others or myself. It doesn’t matter HOW I got here, only that I am here!

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I have been so stuck on the fact I do not have the resources to continue learning and growing. I was just mired in my own head day after day…spinning my wheels and nurturing the despair at the lost opportunities, lost dreams and lost hope. I read something this morning that confirmed what I figured out last night:

Sooner or later even the most materialistic person will ask, “What is the point of my life? Why am I here going through all these changes?” The very cry of the heart to know is an affirmation that there are answers, however veiled they may seem at the given moment. We tend to believe- or at least hope- that there will be some authorities around who can answer the mystery of our changing lives. The advice given by the oracle at Delphi was “Man, know thyself”- not “seek an expert”.   ~Gloria Karpinsky

She also wrote that she had once read the difference between mysticism and religion is that religion is believing in someone else’s experience of God, whereas mysticism is believing in your own.

I am a fairly new grandmother. I am entering the autumn phase of my life. This is when Mother Earth hands over her harvest and begins to prepare for the winter cycle. It is time to reap what I have sown for myself which strengthens me to give what I have left over to others who need it. I have the wisdom of years of experience behind me that can inspire others to never give up on themselves. It is also time for me to sit with myself and get to know myself and most importantly to appreciate and love who I am not despite my journey but because of it.

It is a shift. A fragile start but one I am committed to. I can see the years of self abuse and self loathing has taken a toll on my face, my body and my identity. My issues live in my tissues to quote a friend and it is time to finally purge the last of the strongholds from my body. All of that pain can be reversed and nurtured to bloom into peace and a knowing I am doing exactly what I need to. In that way I can be of service.

I have been getting a strong message that mindful meditation is where I need to focus much of my energy and to clean up my diet….treating food as my medicine. I need to hold space for myself and that’s it. Its that simple. All the rest will fall into place. The pause will allow me to rest and let the remainder of my story and journey come in. I need to stop pushing and forcing something to happen when that is already out there….one must prepare the soil before planting.

The aggravating pain in my body that is most intense in my hips, lower back, legs and feet is just evidence that my energy is shifting and cycling around once more from the crown chakra to the root…grounding my energy is vital at this point. Looking at my current financial and living situation is proof of that…its all focused on root chakra issues. The over all malaise is just the energy shift. To put it simply SHIFT HAPPENS!

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So I Leave you with a little Rumi:

Pain

Pain comes from seeing how arrogant you’ve been, and pain brings you out of this conceit.

A child cannot be born until the mother has pain. You are pregnant with real trust.

The words of the prophets and saints are midwives that help, but first you must feel pain.

To be without pain is to use the first person wrongly. “I” am this. “I” am that.

“I” am God, like al-Hallaj, who waited till that was true to say it. “I” at the wrong time brings a curse. “I” at the right time gives a blessing.

If a rooster crows early when it is still dark, he must have his head cut off. What is this beheading? As one might extract a scorpion’s sting to save it, or a snake’s venom to keep it from being stoned, headlessness comes from your cleansing connection to a teacher.

Hold to a true sheikh. Strength will come. Your strength is his gathering you closer.

Soul of the soul, moment to moment, hope to draw breath from that one.

No matter how long you’ve been apart. That presence has no separation in it.

Do you want to understand more about this friendship?

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With Profound Gratitude

Sunny

Blog Posts I have Enjoyed Today:

http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/universal-basic-income/

Give yourself a break.

https://blastedgoat.wordpress.com/2016/03/29/the-lost-garden/

https://stavvers.wordpress.com/2016/04/24/things-i-read-recently-that-i-found-interesting-9/

Here’s the Truth about Your Grandmother


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Hoping for a Change

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For the last few years I have been struggling with many things as I learned to navigate life through a spiritual perspective. Today is a bad day. I am tired. I feel weak and beaten down. I have felt this spiral coming on and getting worse for a few days now. I have been beating myself up for not staying present but that’s the thing. I have no choice to stay present but my present sucks right now. So I took my dog for a walk and decided to forgive myself my despair and hold myself in compassion. Tomorrow is a new day. I sat down to write a post yesterday and I had nothing to say positive or upbeat. I sat with the broken down laptop in my lap and opened it to the page where I could draft my post and I just stared at the blinking cursor….for 15 minutes. I set the computer down beside me with a resounding sigh and said to my dog “I got nothing” so I went in to meditate. It helped me get through the next couple of hours before I could justify myself going to bed at 9:00. Nights are hard on me as I battle for comfort despite my aching and inflamed body complaining loudly all night.

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I am a huge Bernie Sanders fan. Have been since before he announced his candidacy. He is inspirational to me as he has fought an uphill battle to try and win this election…a win I feel is so desperately needed. He sent me a letter today (or his campaign did) asking for $2.70. Amazing!!! He asks for so little and yet I cannot even give him that. Below is his letter and my response to his letter:

Bernie’s letter:

Lisa –

You may not have noticed this, but the bottom of every email we’ve sent since the beginning of this campaign has included the words, “Paid for By Bernie 2016.” And beneath those, “(not the billionaires).”

Bernie doesn’t go around hustling millionaires and billionaires for money. Never has. Never will. Can you even imagine the reaction he’d get if he tried?

Our campaign to win this primary and transform the Democratic Party has always been powered by the people who make up our political revolution. And when you see us winning states and capturing large numbers of delegates before the convention, it’s requests like this that make it possible. So we have to ask:

Can Bernie count on you to chip in $2.70 before Saturday’s critical FEC fundraising deadline as a way of saying you believe political campaigns should be powered by people and “not the billionaires”?

Indiana votes in just five days, and we need to send a powerful message that you are “Still Sanders.” It’s not about how much money we raise, but how many contributions our supporters make in these final days before our fundraising deadline.

All my best,

Jeff Weaver
Campaign Manager
Bernie 2016

My response:

Dear Bernie and all who are busting butt for the cause,

If I had 2.70 I would give it to you….seriously! I am one of those Americans that is unemployed. I “have a job” to the Mesa Verde National Park but because it’s a “federal” job I have to pass a background check. I have been waiting 5 weeks and just found out there are two more forms to be signed that are new to process my claim. I have been a high school teacher and I have worked with nonprofits helping those who have no more options AND I am an Ordained Minister but I cannot sell souvenirs at a National Park until I have proven I am not a threat to national security. I also am in a chapter 13 for medical bills while trying to pay my student loans. The job I am waiting so patiently for pays 9.50 an hour.
No one… And I mean NO ONE wants Bernie to win more than me. All I can offer is prayers, my undying support and my vote which I will give abundantly.

God Bless
Rev. Lisa Day

Bernie is my hero right now because he is inspiring me to never give up…he hasn’t.

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I heard something spoken by a woman yesterday that basically said (and I am paraphrasing) “those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait and to wait without anxiety because they know the universe has their back” and I felt ashamed for my emotional struggles because I felt it shone a light on my severe lack of faith. But here is the thing….I have faith. I know I will be okay….but will I thrive? I am not thriving and I am so ready to. I cannot even turn to my creative endeavors for relief from the never ending “wait” because the things I love to do are not available to me. I love to do nature photography but I have three memory cards full of pictures waiting to be downloaded and edited on a computer that doesn’t work. I cannot get it fixed because as you know I cannot afford to right now. I love to do art quilts but cannot do that because I have no sewing machine right now to do them on. I have read 15 books in three months (all from the library). I walk everyday for several miles and do stretches but to be honest my body hurts so bad every moment I am doing it feels like torture. I can write but I really want to write something upbeat and inspirational but as you can see by today’s post I feel neither upbeat or inspired.

So I picked up a book today from my book shelf given to me by my husband several years ago called Patient Heal Thyself by Jordan Rubin. On chapter 2 so I will let you know and I decided to write….fuck upbeat or inspirational. I am sad, frustrated, discouraged and beaten down right now…and to be quite frank…pissed off. And I am working hard on my mindful meditation practice which is new. Not meditation….just the intense mindful part. I will let you know.

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The thing is I am spiritually schooled enough to know I am in a deep part of my learning right now. I am shedding something and getting ready to have a huge break through and I must be getting close because my resistance is on overdrive and it is kicking my ass. It has been an interesting ride if nothing else.

 

God Bless

Sunny


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Sharing and Holding Sacred Space

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I haven’t written in a while because once again I had writer’s block as I wrestled with my resistance to my spiritual awakening. Many wonderful things have occurred to me such as progressing on the building of our home on a beautiful mesa in southwest Colorado. My husband even gifted me with an opportunity to become attuned in Angelic Reiki. But as I incorporate more of my teachings into my daily life I continue to struggle with a frustration and discouragement that has tested me to my core. I am still unemployed and I am still an outsider in my community with no understanding of how I can find a spiritual tribe. Oh, I have been hired but I cannot start until I pass a background check. I am in my fifth week of waiting and I have no resources whatsoever. I stopped seeing my grandchildren because I literally do not have the gas money to drive the hour and a half to go see them. I clean the house, I wash the laundry and I help my husband in anyway I can with the building of our home. I pray and meditate and do self healing on myself. Many of my fellow ministers gathered on top of our sacred mountain in the redwoods of California and even though that is what I needed more than anything in this world I could not go. I feel uninspired and afraid because everywhere I turn there is a road block that will not let me pass. Everything takes money….money I do not have. I even took many webinars that were offered for free but these I found left me more more bereft as they only give you a taste of the teaching that costs hundreds of dollars. The one thing I did have was my writing but even that left me as I could not find my voice.

In my prayer and meditation one thing kept coming in to me and that was to just write. I have sat down with my journal and would puke out a half a page that was empty of meaning or substance. Every morning I wake up and tell myself the only thing holding me back from anything I want in life is myself and so I would have a plan of baby steps to get me through my day and every night I go to bed holding myself in compassion as I tell myself…”It’s okay Lisa, you will get it tomorrow.” But part of the big obstacle for me was just defining what I wanted or needed and because I couldn’t define it I would feel like a spiritual failure.

This morning I turned on Tedx Talks and inspiration came. The first one is called Depression and Spiritual Awakening. In it a woman speaks of her despair of not being able to conceive a child. I understood because I felt like I was despair in not being able to conceive myself.

What stood out to me was what was blocking her….as I know there is something blocking me…I just haven’t figured that part out yet. The other part that stood out to me was she essentially overcame herself by sitting in a sweat lodge with Lakota women and they all shared their sorrows. They held space for each other and when they were complete they sent all their sorrows and prayers together through the smoke up to the Creator. It was incredibly moving and poignant to me. I also got some awareness that I was both the parent searching for the love of her spirit child AND the child that just wanted to be loved. This told me I still must make self love my first priority to my own spiritual healing.

The second one is called Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening.

This was incredibly interesting about a mans journey around the world as he interviewed and photographed Indigenous Shamans and how they became that way. Besides completely resonating with the difficult path many of these people have faced what really stood out for me is each of these people had a community and a mentor to get them through it sanely.

It made me realize there is nothing more precious and healing in this world than having others share your journey and hold space for you as they allow you to hold space for them. This realization has made me think that I want this so badly that I must risk trying to reach out to others in my community for a gathering that I would like to call Sacred Space. I want people to share in my journey. I want them to celebrate my triumphs and hold me when I feel weak and beaten down. And nothing is more healing then being able to offer the same to another.

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My first step is writing here. For now this will be my sacred space. This is the place I can share my gift of myself through my writing. I invite you to do the same. And do not be afraid to reach out.

With Gratitude

Lisa

Posts I enjoyed today:

Lift Your Spirit Up

https://celiaelaine.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/return-of-heaven-2/

https://discover.wordpress.com/2016/04/25/clay-jonathan-depression-comix/

http://www.mtv.com/news/2871992/prince-cant-die/

Yogic Anxieties

There Are Thieves In The Temple Tonight