My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


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Know Thyself

Yesterday was a bad day….obvious to those who have started reading my blog. However, I knew that it was leading to a shift so I gave myself permission to rant and to play the sad violin for myself. Last night I was gifted with the presence of an angel. She is quite possibly the wisest and most compassionate person on the face of the earth. All she did was hold that precious space for me as I talked to her to work out what my angst was and the solution came from my own voice. That is when you know you are in the presence of a great teacher.

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Now it is time to practice what I preach….to be the change I would like to see in the world. I want to be of service. I want to leave this place just a little better than when I arrived but it just seemed everywhere I turned I was thwarted by my very efforts. Yes…being of service and helping others and our dear Mother Earth is a passion of mine but as my husband asked me the other day “what does that look like?” and I had no answer. I threw out a bunch of stuff and they are all great ideas and aspirations but one must whittle those things down to a specific idea so one can focus more clearly on the “how.” This was a place I have been stuck in for a long time but my own words to my teacher and friend in a letter I wrote clearly stated in black and white what my passion was…..my own healing.

The road up to this point has been a challenging one but I see so clearly where it has been taking me. To my own healing and to the many beautiful things that can, have and will happen as a result. Everything else is simply ego driven and that is not what the world, or anyone for that matter, needs right now. I have spent my life taking care of others and there towards the end it was not going so well. It led to the most devastating trauma I will ever face. The anger at that trauma is finally gone. It left a month or so ago as I realized it has placed me right here at the door step of my own healing and salvation. There is no longer blame at others or myself. It doesn’t matter HOW I got here, only that I am here!

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I have been so stuck on the fact I do not have the resources to continue learning and growing. I was just mired in my own head day after day…spinning my wheels and nurturing the despair at the lost opportunities, lost dreams and lost hope. I read something this morning that confirmed what I figured out last night:

Sooner or later even the most materialistic person will ask, “What is the point of my life? Why am I here going through all these changes?” The very cry of the heart to know is an affirmation that there are answers, however veiled they may seem at the given moment. We tend to believe- or at least hope- that there will be some authorities around who can answer the mystery of our changing lives. The advice given by the oracle at Delphi was “Man, know thyself”- not “seek an expert”.   ~Gloria Karpinsky

She also wrote that she had once read the difference between mysticism and religion is that religion is believing in someone else’s experience of God, whereas mysticism is believing in your own.

I am a fairly new grandmother. I am entering the autumn phase of my life. This is when Mother Earth hands over her harvest and begins to prepare for the winter cycle. It is time to reap what I have sown for myself which strengthens me to give what I have left over to others who need it. I have the wisdom of years of experience behind me that can inspire others to never give up on themselves. It is also time for me to sit with myself and get to know myself and most importantly to appreciate and love who I am not despite my journey but because of it.

It is a shift. A fragile start but one I am committed to. I can see the years of self abuse and self loathing has taken a toll on my face, my body and my identity. My issues live in my tissues to quote a friend and it is time to finally purge the last of the strongholds from my body. All of that pain can be reversed and nurtured to bloom into peace and a knowing I am doing exactly what I need to. In that way I can be of service.

I have been getting a strong message that mindful meditation is where I need to focus much of my energy and to clean up my diet….treating food as my medicine. I need to hold space for myself and that’s it. Its that simple. All the rest will fall into place. The pause will allow me to rest and let the remainder of my story and journey come in. I need to stop pushing and forcing something to happen when that is already out there….one must prepare the soil before planting.

The aggravating pain in my body that is most intense in my hips, lower back, legs and feet is just evidence that my energy is shifting and cycling around once more from the crown chakra to the root…grounding my energy is vital at this point. Looking at my current financial and living situation is proof of that…its all focused on root chakra issues. The over all malaise is just the energy shift. To put it simply SHIFT HAPPENS!

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So I Leave you with a little Rumi:

Pain

Pain comes from seeing how arrogant you’ve been, and pain brings you out of this conceit.

A child cannot be born until the mother has pain. You are pregnant with real trust.

The words of the prophets and saints are midwives that help, but first you must feel pain.

To be without pain is to use the first person wrongly. “I” am this. “I” am that.

“I” am God, like al-Hallaj, who waited till that was true to say it. “I” at the wrong time brings a curse. “I” at the right time gives a blessing.

If a rooster crows early when it is still dark, he must have his head cut off. What is this beheading? As one might extract a scorpion’s sting to save it, or a snake’s venom to keep it from being stoned, headlessness comes from your cleansing connection to a teacher.

Hold to a true sheikh. Strength will come. Your strength is his gathering you closer.

Soul of the soul, moment to moment, hope to draw breath from that one.

No matter how long you’ve been apart. That presence has no separation in it.

Do you want to understand more about this friendship?

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With Profound Gratitude

Sunny

Blog Posts I have Enjoyed Today:

http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/universal-basic-income/

Give yourself a break.

https://blastedgoat.wordpress.com/2016/03/29/the-lost-garden/

https://stavvers.wordpress.com/2016/04/24/things-i-read-recently-that-i-found-interesting-9/

Here’s the Truth about Your Grandmother

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Hoping for a Change

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For the last few years I have been struggling with many things as I learned to navigate life through a spiritual perspective. Today is a bad day. I am tired. I feel weak and beaten down. I have felt this spiral coming on and getting worse for a few days now. I have been beating myself up for not staying present but that’s the thing. I have no choice to stay present but my present sucks right now. So I took my dog for a walk and decided to forgive myself my despair and hold myself in compassion. Tomorrow is a new day. I sat down to write a post yesterday and I had nothing to say positive or upbeat. I sat with the broken down laptop in my lap and opened it to the page where I could draft my post and I just stared at the blinking cursor….for 15 minutes. I set the computer down beside me with a resounding sigh and said to my dog “I got nothing” so I went in to meditate. It helped me get through the next couple of hours before I could justify myself going to bed at 9:00. Nights are hard on me as I battle for comfort despite my aching and inflamed body complaining loudly all night.

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I am a huge Bernie Sanders fan. Have been since before he announced his candidacy. He is inspirational to me as he has fought an uphill battle to try and win this election…a win I feel is so desperately needed. He sent me a letter today (or his campaign did) asking for $2.70. Amazing!!! He asks for so little and yet I cannot even give him that. Below is his letter and my response to his letter:

Bernie’s letter:

Lisa –

You may not have noticed this, but the bottom of every email we’ve sent since the beginning of this campaign has included the words, “Paid for By Bernie 2016.” And beneath those, “(not the billionaires).”

Bernie doesn’t go around hustling millionaires and billionaires for money. Never has. Never will. Can you even imagine the reaction he’d get if he tried?

Our campaign to win this primary and transform the Democratic Party has always been powered by the people who make up our political revolution. And when you see us winning states and capturing large numbers of delegates before the convention, it’s requests like this that make it possible. So we have to ask:

Can Bernie count on you to chip in $2.70 before Saturday’s critical FEC fundraising deadline as a way of saying you believe political campaigns should be powered by people and “not the billionaires”?

Indiana votes in just five days, and we need to send a powerful message that you are “Still Sanders.” It’s not about how much money we raise, but how many contributions our supporters make in these final days before our fundraising deadline.

All my best,

Jeff Weaver
Campaign Manager
Bernie 2016

My response:

Dear Bernie and all who are busting butt for the cause,

If I had 2.70 I would give it to you….seriously! I am one of those Americans that is unemployed. I “have a job” to the Mesa Verde National Park but because it’s a “federal” job I have to pass a background check. I have been waiting 5 weeks and just found out there are two more forms to be signed that are new to process my claim. I have been a high school teacher and I have worked with nonprofits helping those who have no more options AND I am an Ordained Minister but I cannot sell souvenirs at a National Park until I have proven I am not a threat to national security. I also am in a chapter 13 for medical bills while trying to pay my student loans. The job I am waiting so patiently for pays 9.50 an hour.
No one… And I mean NO ONE wants Bernie to win more than me. All I can offer is prayers, my undying support and my vote which I will give abundantly.

God Bless
Rev. Lisa Day

Bernie is my hero right now because he is inspiring me to never give up…he hasn’t.

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I heard something spoken by a woman yesterday that basically said (and I am paraphrasing) “those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait and to wait without anxiety because they know the universe has their back” and I felt ashamed for my emotional struggles because I felt it shone a light on my severe lack of faith. But here is the thing….I have faith. I know I will be okay….but will I thrive? I am not thriving and I am so ready to. I cannot even turn to my creative endeavors for relief from the never ending “wait” because the things I love to do are not available to me. I love to do nature photography but I have three memory cards full of pictures waiting to be downloaded and edited on a computer that doesn’t work. I cannot get it fixed because as you know I cannot afford to right now. I love to do art quilts but cannot do that because I have no sewing machine right now to do them on. I have read 15 books in three months (all from the library). I walk everyday for several miles and do stretches but to be honest my body hurts so bad every moment I am doing it feels like torture. I can write but I really want to write something upbeat and inspirational but as you can see by today’s post I feel neither upbeat or inspired.

So I picked up a book today from my book shelf given to me by my husband several years ago called Patient Heal Thyself by Jordan Rubin. On chapter 2 so I will let you know and I decided to write….fuck upbeat or inspirational. I am sad, frustrated, discouraged and beaten down right now…and to be quite frank…pissed off. And I am working hard on my mindful meditation practice which is new. Not meditation….just the intense mindful part. I will let you know.

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The thing is I am spiritually schooled enough to know I am in a deep part of my learning right now. I am shedding something and getting ready to have a huge break through and I must be getting close because my resistance is on overdrive and it is kicking my ass. It has been an interesting ride if nothing else.

 

God Bless

Sunny


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Sharing and Holding Sacred Space

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I haven’t written in a while because once again I had writer’s block as I wrestled with my resistance to my spiritual awakening. Many wonderful things have occurred to me such as progressing on the building of our home on a beautiful mesa in southwest Colorado. My husband even gifted me with an opportunity to become attuned in Angelic Reiki. But as I incorporate more of my teachings into my daily life I continue to struggle with a frustration and discouragement that has tested me to my core. I am still unemployed and I am still an outsider in my community with no understanding of how I can find a spiritual tribe. Oh, I have been hired but I cannot start until I pass a background check. I am in my fifth week of waiting and I have no resources whatsoever. I stopped seeing my grandchildren because I literally do not have the gas money to drive the hour and a half to go see them. I clean the house, I wash the laundry and I help my husband in anyway I can with the building of our home. I pray and meditate and do self healing on myself. Many of my fellow ministers gathered on top of our sacred mountain in the redwoods of California and even though that is what I needed more than anything in this world I could not go. I feel uninspired and afraid because everywhere I turn there is a road block that will not let me pass. Everything takes money….money I do not have. I even took many webinars that were offered for free but these I found left me more more bereft as they only give you a taste of the teaching that costs hundreds of dollars. The one thing I did have was my writing but even that left me as I could not find my voice.

In my prayer and meditation one thing kept coming in to me and that was to just write. I have sat down with my journal and would puke out a half a page that was empty of meaning or substance. Every morning I wake up and tell myself the only thing holding me back from anything I want in life is myself and so I would have a plan of baby steps to get me through my day and every night I go to bed holding myself in compassion as I tell myself…”It’s okay Lisa, you will get it tomorrow.” But part of the big obstacle for me was just defining what I wanted or needed and because I couldn’t define it I would feel like a spiritual failure.

This morning I turned on Tedx Talks and inspiration came. The first one is called Depression and Spiritual Awakening. In it a woman speaks of her despair of not being able to conceive a child. I understood because I felt like I was despair in not being able to conceive myself.

What stood out to me was what was blocking her….as I know there is something blocking me…I just haven’t figured that part out yet. The other part that stood out to me was she essentially overcame herself by sitting in a sweat lodge with Lakota women and they all shared their sorrows. They held space for each other and when they were complete they sent all their sorrows and prayers together through the smoke up to the Creator. It was incredibly moving and poignant to me. I also got some awareness that I was both the parent searching for the love of her spirit child AND the child that just wanted to be loved. This told me I still must make self love my first priority to my own spiritual healing.

The second one is called Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening.

This was incredibly interesting about a mans journey around the world as he interviewed and photographed Indigenous Shamans and how they became that way. Besides completely resonating with the difficult path many of these people have faced what really stood out for me is each of these people had a community and a mentor to get them through it sanely.

It made me realize there is nothing more precious and healing in this world than having others share your journey and hold space for you as they allow you to hold space for them. This realization has made me think that I want this so badly that I must risk trying to reach out to others in my community for a gathering that I would like to call Sacred Space. I want people to share in my journey. I want them to celebrate my triumphs and hold me when I feel weak and beaten down. And nothing is more healing then being able to offer the same to another.

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My first step is writing here. For now this will be my sacred space. This is the place I can share my gift of myself through my writing. I invite you to do the same. And do not be afraid to reach out.

With Gratitude

Lisa

Posts I enjoyed today:

Lift Your Spirit Up

https://celiaelaine.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/return-of-heaven-2/

https://discover.wordpress.com/2016/04/25/clay-jonathan-depression-comix/

http://www.mtv.com/news/2871992/prince-cant-die/

Yogic Anxieties

There Are Thieves In The Temple Tonight