My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


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Unconditional Love and the Oracle of Delphi

I think the closest I ever came to unconditional love was the love between my grandmother and I. I say this but who knows if it was so.

I left her side when I was 7 to live overseas. I didn’t come back for 8 years and when I did my parents and I moved to Virginia where my family including my grandmother lived in California. I was 15. It was that year that we had our first clue that my grandmother was beginning to show signs of dementia. At first we thought it was Alzheimer’s due to the fact her older brother had it when he had passed away. It was later we found out she was experiencing “mini strokes” and that was the reason she was slowly losing her senses. It was also the year I began to really rebel against my parents. I am so relieved she missed out on that phase of my life….perhaps her love would not have been so unconditional if she saw what I was doing or who I was becoming.

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The second source of unconditional love I experienced was from the 9 dogs I have had since I was 20. I did not have them all at once and they mostly all had very long lives. Once I discovered that love I devoted my life to dogs. First I rescued them, then I learned to groom and had my own grooming business. While doing that I learned to train them and finally I went and got my degree in Biology focusing on Animal Behavior.

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Who I really wanted unconditional love from was my husbands, my only child, my parents and even some friends…..but that is impossible. Looking back on my life I am ashamed I placed such high expectations on them….condemning them to fail in my eyes.

There is only one place, I believe, a person can find unconditional love and that is within themselves. This is why self-love is so freaking important for a person to experience true happiness and fulfillment. I do know that the Creator lives within each and everyone of us and perhaps that is the part we must try to connect to. But you cannot just love some parts of yourselves…you must love it all, the light as well as the shadows. I know for a fact that I will spend the rest of my life trying to achieve this goal for it is a very difficult task.

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I had my first spiritual experience when I was 14. I was living in Athens, Greece. I decided to go on a ski trip with my youth group. It was a very bad year for snow. I had never skied before and there was no snow on the bunny slope. So I got talked into doing some cross country skiing. However the trail we were on was a bit icy in the shadows and I literally went right over the side of the mountain. At that point I was pretty sure skiing just was not for me.  There was also no drinking age in Greece so everyone convinced me that going to a disco bar that night was a great idea as well. Needless to say I got really, really drunk.

Hungover the next day I decided to go visit the ruins right by the village we were staying in. You see the village we were at was Delphi. It is impossible to describe the ruins of Delphi. It is a beautiful, mystical place and should be on everyone’s bucket list. In among these magnificent ruins is the famous site for the Oracle of Delphi. I remember sitting there all alone surrounded by the ancient pillars watching the birds and clouds in the sky as the faint smell of olive trees drifted by me. It was there I felt a strong energy or vibration. Earthquakes were always a problem when I lived in Greece so at first I became alarmed that an earthquake was rumbling my quiet place. I quickly realized this was no earthquake but something all together different. I never heard a voice or saw some angelic being. Rather it was a deep knowing….like the energy that was vibrating around me was waking up the God Spirit within me. It was the energy of unconditional love and it was the most incredible feeling I have every experienced in my life. If I was to try to describe what the experience was like….what actually happened….the only thing I could say was when God reached in and touched my heart.

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I suppose when I was younger to cope with living in a very dysfunctional home I turned my heart off. I had put it carefully in a box and sealed it shut, never to be pricked again. But that day the Sacred had opened that box and after the whole heart opening experience was over I had to go back to my life and it was at that point that I worked very hard to find a way to put my heart back in its box. In doing so I hurt myself more than anyone else could ever had.

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I cannot undo that damage. I cannot wipe out the memories and pain but I have never forgotten the feeling of having my heart released and touched by God. That was the ultimate feeling of unconditional love. That was the day I received a very clear message that I must love myself to ever feel that feeling again.

I drove to see my daughter and my beautiful grandson’s yesterday and it occurred to me on the drive down that I can absolutely forgive myself of all my transgressions. I did the best I could and I cannot hold the blame alone. In fact no one has to be at fault. It was my path. Yes it was a difficult one and I probably made it much harder on myself then it had to be but ultimately I know who I am. It doesn’t really matter if anyone else does. This is really just between me and Spirit. And I believe I am a very good person.

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So….no…I haven’t reached that blissful state of unconditional love from within but I think I took a step closer yesterday. My reward was holding a sweet two month old infant to my chest and it was ecstasy.

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

Blog Posts I enjoyed today:

 

 

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Deprogramming Myself

How does one deprogram oneself from self limiting beliefs and self deprecating thoughts? I don’t really know actually but I am working on it.

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I was born into a world filled with people that thought I was a beautiful gift to their lives. As a child I didn’t give it much thought really. It was a given that I was loved and valued. I didn’t think I was better than anyone or that everyone else was less than me. I just was and it felt good. I loved my family and friends and they loved me and that was quite simply enough. Even when bad things happened to me I knew I was precious to those in my world so I could rise above these bad things that were done to me….not because of me but rather in spite of me.

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When I was 7 my mother remarried a man that saw me as a threat to his sense of well being. Then he moved his new small family away from all the people that made me feel safe and valued. At this tender age I found myself half a world and a great big ocean away from these loving people. When I walked in a room I felt the energy of resentment and disdain when all I had ever known was the energy of love and peace and acceptance. I quickly learned that the place I “belonged” was not in my new family but alone in my room. My room became my whole world. Finally two years later I was allowed to get a broken little kitten to share my world with. With my kitty, who had severe spina bifida, I learned to endure my isolation and filled my lonely days with a mystical and colorful imagination.

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But I began to question why. Why was I so unwelcomed? Why was my very presence enough to ruin a grown man’s day? As a young person I had no way of understanding that this man’s reaction to me was his problem….not mine. I loved him so much….why didn’t he love me back? I wanted to be around him….I was so hungry for his approval and acceptance. Didn’t he know that? Maybe it was because I wasn’t worth loving. Maybe there was something very wrong with me. I became reclusive and shy. I was becoming very ashamed of who I was. I had no one to stand up for me or at the very least to remind me of who I was. I slowly forgot that I was a very loved and valued human being. These people who were filled with gratitude that I existed might as well have been dead. They were not there when I needed them the most. It was no longer enough to just be. I had to somehow justify my existence.

My stepfather loved sports. I tried every sport there was but I failed time and time again. I was not a sporty person. I was a small, delicate child that loved to climb trees, pick flowers, read and write long letters to my beloved family back home and I loved the bond I had with my kitty. I sang and played music. All the things my stepfather could have cared less about. I tried to excel at school but it just was never enough. If I got a B I should have had an A. If I got that B up to an A then I should have been doing that all along. I often remember him saying disparaging remarks about College Graduates and Academics. Eventually I just gave up. I compared myself to everyone and I always came up lacking and falling very short.

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As I grew to be a teenager, still living thousands of miles away from my beautiful family in California, I slowly began replacing my step fathers voice with my own. I would tear myself down before he got a chance to do it first. I got very, very good at this one thing…a skill I have honed and refined to a fine art as I got older. I even surrounded myself with people that agreed with this brutal voice in my head which only further confirmed what I had come to believe as fact. “See Lisa, just as you have always suspected….you are ugly, worthless, stupid, and undeserving!”

I am 49 now and I know all of ┬áthis now to be untrue but how does one deprogram years and years of brainwashing and reprogram with the truth? I don’t know really. It is something I work hard at….to the point of madness. It’s exhausting work, especially having it do it alone. I guess that is why I love my Spiritual Tribe of my Minister Brothers and Sisters. They are constantly reminding me that I am a beautiful child of God. Sometimes I can actually see myself through their eyes. But our time together is very short and limited so eventually my familiar and comfortable self abusing thoughts creep back in leaving me crippled and debilitated.

This is a very difficult place to be in. I am in the in between place of habit and knowing better. More days than not I feel like a deer caught in headlights…..wanting to go and shine but too afraid to move just in case my step father was right all along. Every day I ask Spirit for help in letting go of those self limiting beliefs but it takes 4 things that I find really difficult to obtain….

Surrender. Trust. Allowing. Receiving. Basically to just let go and let it be.

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My greatest wish is one day to can find a way to rest in that. To find a way to risk and reach for my potential….the potential to find peace and to offer myself to the world in a way that makes me feel complete. It is my greatest desire to do so and if I can finally conquer my fear…well who knows what can happen.

Until then I will struggle to deprogram the lies and reprogram the soothing idea that I am beautiful, worthy, brilliant, and deserving!

I leave you with a song my grandmother use to sing to me…..one of those people that had me convinced at one time that those above descriptions were true:

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

Just a side note: My grandmother, whom I adored and adored me, had no possessions when she died…except for a box….filled with the letters I had written her when I lived so very far away.

 

Blog posts I have enjoyed today:

https://bearfootconnections.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/shamanic-drumming-video/

43 Perfect Letting Go Quotes For Moving On

Mind, Body, Soul Newsletter – March 2016

A Great horned owl’s flyby

https://livinglearningandlettinggo.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/on-living-and-dying-day-1-by-chaitanya-poole/

All in

http://sarcastica.ca/2016/05/scorned/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/scars/

https://higherdensity.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/teal-swan-the-catch-up-effect-the-real-reason-we-fear-change/

What’s your why?