My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


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Deprogramming Myself

How does one deprogram oneself from self limiting beliefs and self deprecating thoughts? I don’t really know actually but I am working on it.

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I was born into a world filled with people that thought I was a beautiful gift to their lives. As a child I didn’t give it much thought really. It was a given that I was loved and valued. I didn’t think I was better than anyone or that everyone else was less than me. I just was and it felt good. I loved my family and friends and they loved me and that was quite simply enough. Even when bad things happened to me I knew I was precious to those in my world so I could rise above these bad things that were done to me….not because of me but rather in spite of me.

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When I was 7 my mother remarried a man that saw me as a threat to his sense of well being. Then he moved his new small family away from all the people that made me feel safe and valued. At this tender age I found myself half a world and a great big ocean away from these loving people. When I walked in a room I felt the energy of resentment and disdain when all I had ever known was the energy of love and peace and acceptance. I quickly learned that the place I “belonged” was not in my new family but alone in my room. My room became my whole world. Finally two years later I was allowed to get a broken little kitten to share my world with. With my kitty, who had severe spina bifida, I learned to endure my isolation and filled my lonely days with a mystical and colorful imagination.

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But I began to question why. Why was I so unwelcomed? Why was my very presence enough to ruin a grown man’s day? As a young person I had no way of understanding that this man’s reaction to me was his problem….not mine. I loved him so much….why didn’t he love me back? I wanted to be around him….I was so hungry for his approval and acceptance. Didn’t he know that? Maybe it was because I wasn’t worth loving. Maybe there was something very wrong with me. I became reclusive and shy. I was becoming very ashamed of who I was. I had no one to stand up for me or at the very least to remind me of who I was. I slowly forgot that I was a very loved and valued human being. These people who were filled with gratitude that I existed might as well have been dead. They were not there when I needed them the most. It was no longer enough to just be. I had to somehow justify my existence.

My stepfather loved sports. I tried every sport there was but I failed time and time again. I was not a sporty person. I was a small, delicate child that loved to climb trees, pick flowers, read and write long letters to my beloved family back home and I loved the bond I had with my kitty. I sang and played music. All the things my stepfather could have cared less about. I tried to excel at school but it just was never enough. If I got a B I should have had an A. If I got that B up to an A then I should have been doing that all along. I often remember him saying disparaging remarks about College Graduates and Academics. Eventually I just gave up. I compared myself to everyone and I always came up lacking and falling very short.

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As I grew to be a teenager, still living thousands of miles away from my beautiful family in California, I slowly began replacing my step fathers voice with my own. I would tear myself down before he got a chance to do it first. I got very, very good at this one thing…a skill I have honed and refined to a fine art as I got older. I even surrounded myself with people that agreed with this brutal voice in my head which only further confirmed what I had come to believe as fact. “See Lisa, just as you have always suspected….you are ugly, worthless, stupid, and undeserving!”

I am 49 now and I know all of  this now to be untrue but how does one deprogram years and years of brainwashing and reprogram with the truth? I don’t know really. It is something I work hard at….to the point of madness. It’s exhausting work, especially having it do it alone. I guess that is why I love my Spiritual Tribe of my Minister Brothers and Sisters. They are constantly reminding me that I am a beautiful child of God. Sometimes I can actually see myself through their eyes. But our time together is very short and limited so eventually my familiar and comfortable self abusing thoughts creep back in leaving me crippled and debilitated.

This is a very difficult place to be in. I am in the in between place of habit and knowing better. More days than not I feel like a deer caught in headlights…..wanting to go and shine but too afraid to move just in case my step father was right all along. Every day I ask Spirit for help in letting go of those self limiting beliefs but it takes 4 things that I find really difficult to obtain….

Surrender. Trust. Allowing. Receiving. Basically to just let go and let it be.

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My greatest wish is one day to can find a way to rest in that. To find a way to risk and reach for my potential….the potential to find peace and to offer myself to the world in a way that makes me feel complete. It is my greatest desire to do so and if I can finally conquer my fear…well who knows what can happen.

Until then I will struggle to deprogram the lies and reprogram the soothing idea that I am beautiful, worthy, brilliant, and deserving!

I leave you with a song my grandmother use to sing to me…..one of those people that had me convinced at one time that those above descriptions were true:

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

Just a side note: My grandmother, whom I adored and adored me, had no possessions when she died…except for a box….filled with the letters I had written her when I lived so very far away.

 

Blog posts I have enjoyed today:

https://bearfootconnections.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/shamanic-drumming-video/

43 Perfect Letting Go Quotes For Moving On

Mind, Body, Soul Newsletter – March 2016

A Great horned owl’s flyby

https://livinglearningandlettinggo.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/on-living-and-dying-day-1-by-chaitanya-poole/

All in

http://sarcastica.ca/2016/05/scorned/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/scars/

https://higherdensity.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/teal-swan-the-catch-up-effect-the-real-reason-we-fear-change/

What’s your why?

 

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Know Thyself

Yesterday was a bad day….obvious to those who have started reading my blog. However, I knew that it was leading to a shift so I gave myself permission to rant and to play the sad violin for myself. Last night I was gifted with the presence of an angel. She is quite possibly the wisest and most compassionate person on the face of the earth. All she did was hold that precious space for me as I talked to her to work out what my angst was and the solution came from my own voice. That is when you know you are in the presence of a great teacher.

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Now it is time to practice what I preach….to be the change I would like to see in the world. I want to be of service. I want to leave this place just a little better than when I arrived but it just seemed everywhere I turned I was thwarted by my very efforts. Yes…being of service and helping others and our dear Mother Earth is a passion of mine but as my husband asked me the other day “what does that look like?” and I had no answer. I threw out a bunch of stuff and they are all great ideas and aspirations but one must whittle those things down to a specific idea so one can focus more clearly on the “how.” This was a place I have been stuck in for a long time but my own words to my teacher and friend in a letter I wrote clearly stated in black and white what my passion was…..my own healing.

The road up to this point has been a challenging one but I see so clearly where it has been taking me. To my own healing and to the many beautiful things that can, have and will happen as a result. Everything else is simply ego driven and that is not what the world, or anyone for that matter, needs right now. I have spent my life taking care of others and there towards the end it was not going so well. It led to the most devastating trauma I will ever face. The anger at that trauma is finally gone. It left a month or so ago as I realized it has placed me right here at the door step of my own healing and salvation. There is no longer blame at others or myself. It doesn’t matter HOW I got here, only that I am here!

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I have been so stuck on the fact I do not have the resources to continue learning and growing. I was just mired in my own head day after day…spinning my wheels and nurturing the despair at the lost opportunities, lost dreams and lost hope. I read something this morning that confirmed what I figured out last night:

Sooner or later even the most materialistic person will ask, “What is the point of my life? Why am I here going through all these changes?” The very cry of the heart to know is an affirmation that there are answers, however veiled they may seem at the given moment. We tend to believe- or at least hope- that there will be some authorities around who can answer the mystery of our changing lives. The advice given by the oracle at Delphi was “Man, know thyself”- not “seek an expert”.   ~Gloria Karpinsky

She also wrote that she had once read the difference between mysticism and religion is that religion is believing in someone else’s experience of God, whereas mysticism is believing in your own.

I am a fairly new grandmother. I am entering the autumn phase of my life. This is when Mother Earth hands over her harvest and begins to prepare for the winter cycle. It is time to reap what I have sown for myself which strengthens me to give what I have left over to others who need it. I have the wisdom of years of experience behind me that can inspire others to never give up on themselves. It is also time for me to sit with myself and get to know myself and most importantly to appreciate and love who I am not despite my journey but because of it.

It is a shift. A fragile start but one I am committed to. I can see the years of self abuse and self loathing has taken a toll on my face, my body and my identity. My issues live in my tissues to quote a friend and it is time to finally purge the last of the strongholds from my body. All of that pain can be reversed and nurtured to bloom into peace and a knowing I am doing exactly what I need to. In that way I can be of service.

I have been getting a strong message that mindful meditation is where I need to focus much of my energy and to clean up my diet….treating food as my medicine. I need to hold space for myself and that’s it. Its that simple. All the rest will fall into place. The pause will allow me to rest and let the remainder of my story and journey come in. I need to stop pushing and forcing something to happen when that is already out there….one must prepare the soil before planting.

The aggravating pain in my body that is most intense in my hips, lower back, legs and feet is just evidence that my energy is shifting and cycling around once more from the crown chakra to the root…grounding my energy is vital at this point. Looking at my current financial and living situation is proof of that…its all focused on root chakra issues. The over all malaise is just the energy shift. To put it simply SHIFT HAPPENS!

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So I Leave you with a little Rumi:

Pain

Pain comes from seeing how arrogant you’ve been, and pain brings you out of this conceit.

A child cannot be born until the mother has pain. You are pregnant with real trust.

The words of the prophets and saints are midwives that help, but first you must feel pain.

To be without pain is to use the first person wrongly. “I” am this. “I” am that.

“I” am God, like al-Hallaj, who waited till that was true to say it. “I” at the wrong time brings a curse. “I” at the right time gives a blessing.

If a rooster crows early when it is still dark, he must have his head cut off. What is this beheading? As one might extract a scorpion’s sting to save it, or a snake’s venom to keep it from being stoned, headlessness comes from your cleansing connection to a teacher.

Hold to a true sheikh. Strength will come. Your strength is his gathering you closer.

Soul of the soul, moment to moment, hope to draw breath from that one.

No matter how long you’ve been apart. That presence has no separation in it.

Do you want to understand more about this friendship?

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With Profound Gratitude

Sunny

Blog Posts I have Enjoyed Today:

http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/universal-basic-income/

Give yourself a break.

https://blastedgoat.wordpress.com/2016/03/29/the-lost-garden/

https://stavvers.wordpress.com/2016/04/24/things-i-read-recently-that-i-found-interesting-9/

Here’s the Truth about Your Grandmother