My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


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Hoping for a Change

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For the last few years I have been struggling with many things as I learned to navigate life through a spiritual perspective. Today is a bad day. I am tired. I feel weak and beaten down. I have felt this spiral coming on and getting worse for a few days now. I have been beating myself up for not staying present but that’s the thing. I have no choice to stay present but my present sucks right now. So I took my dog for a walk and decided to forgive myself my despair and hold myself in compassion. Tomorrow is a new day. I sat down to write a post yesterday and I had nothing to say positive or upbeat. I sat with the broken down laptop in my lap and opened it to the page where I could draft my post and I just stared at the blinking cursor….for 15 minutes. I set the computer down beside me with a resounding sigh and said to my dog “I got nothing” so I went in to meditate. It helped me get through the next couple of hours before I could justify myself going to bed at 9:00. Nights are hard on me as I battle for comfort despite my aching and inflamed body complaining loudly all night.

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I am a huge Bernie Sanders fan. Have been since before he announced his candidacy. He is inspirational to me as he has fought an uphill battle to try and win this election…a win I feel is so desperately needed. He sent me a letter today (or his campaign did) asking for $2.70. Amazing!!! He asks for so little and yet I cannot even give him that. Below is his letter and my response to his letter:

Bernie’s letter:

Lisa –

You may not have noticed this, but the bottom of every email we’ve sent since the beginning of this campaign has included the words, “Paid for By Bernie 2016.” And beneath those, “(not the billionaires).”

Bernie doesn’t go around hustling millionaires and billionaires for money. Never has. Never will. Can you even imagine the reaction he’d get if he tried?

Our campaign to win this primary and transform the Democratic Party has always been powered by the people who make up our political revolution. And when you see us winning states and capturing large numbers of delegates before the convention, it’s requests like this that make it possible. So we have to ask:

Can Bernie count on you to chip in $2.70 before Saturday’s critical FEC fundraising deadline as a way of saying you believe political campaigns should be powered by people and “not the billionaires”?

Indiana votes in just five days, and we need to send a powerful message that you are “Still Sanders.” It’s not about how much money we raise, but how many contributions our supporters make in these final days before our fundraising deadline.

All my best,

Jeff Weaver
Campaign Manager
Bernie 2016

My response:

Dear Bernie and all who are busting butt for the cause,

If I had 2.70 I would give it to you….seriously! I am one of those Americans that is unemployed. I “have a job” to the Mesa Verde National Park but because it’s a “federal” job I have to pass a background check. I have been waiting 5 weeks and just found out there are two more forms to be signed that are new to process my claim. I have been a high school teacher and I have worked with nonprofits helping those who have no more options AND I am an Ordained Minister but I cannot sell souvenirs at a National Park until I have proven I am not a threat to national security. I also am in a chapter 13 for medical bills while trying to pay my student loans. The job I am waiting so patiently for pays 9.50 an hour.
No one… And I mean NO ONE wants Bernie to win more than me. All I can offer is prayers, my undying support and my vote which I will give abundantly.

God Bless
Rev. Lisa Day

Bernie is my hero right now because he is inspiring me to never give up…he hasn’t.

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I heard something spoken by a woman yesterday that basically said (and I am paraphrasing) “those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait and to wait without anxiety because they know the universe has their back” and I felt ashamed for my emotional struggles because I felt it shone a light on my severe lack of faith. But here is the thing….I have faith. I know I will be okay….but will I thrive? I am not thriving and I am so ready to. I cannot even turn to my creative endeavors for relief from the never ending “wait” because the things I love to do are not available to me. I love to do nature photography but I have three memory cards full of pictures waiting to be downloaded and edited on a computer that doesn’t work. I cannot get it fixed because as you know I cannot afford to right now. I love to do art quilts but cannot do that because I have no sewing machine right now to do them on. I have read 15 books in three months (all from the library). I walk everyday for several miles and do stretches but to be honest my body hurts so bad every moment I am doing it feels like torture. I can write but I really want to write something upbeat and inspirational but as you can see by today’s post I feel neither upbeat or inspired.

So I picked up a book today from my book shelf given to me by my husband several years ago called Patient Heal Thyself by Jordan Rubin. On chapter 2 so I will let you know and I decided to write….fuck upbeat or inspirational. I am sad, frustrated, discouraged and beaten down right now…and to be quite frank…pissed off. And I am working hard on my mindful meditation practice which is new. Not meditation….just the intense mindful part. I will let you know.

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The thing is I am spiritually schooled enough to know I am in a deep part of my learning right now. I am shedding something and getting ready to have a huge break through and I must be getting close because my resistance is on overdrive and it is kicking my ass. It has been an interesting ride if nothing else.

 

God Bless

Sunny