My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


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I Rise

I lost my voice. I tried to get it back but the harder I tried the more elusive it became until I finally listened to my inner critic and just gave up. I got onto my computer today and finally found the courage to click that little button on my bookmark bar that would pull me into my writing world of My Transformation Memoir and to my utter delight it opened up to me like an old friend.

Last weekend I went to Denver and joined 1200 other women to Danette May’s RISE EVENT. Honestly the only reason I went was because my best friend and neighbor signed up to go and wanted me to do the same….so being the good sister that I am I exclaimed “I am in!!”

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I almost cancelled because everything blew up at work the week before I left and I was really stressed at thinking I would not be at work to handle the problems, but instead I followed through trusting the universe and my assistant manager to handle it all. I am so glad I did!! Early Friday morning my friend, Sherry, pulled up to my house and I loaded her car, kissed my husband and my familiar, Obi and off I went. The drive was spectacular. I am so blessed to live in the beautiful state of Colorado but because I live in the four corners area in the very southwest tip of the state its a long 7 hour drive but beautiful. Driving through the Rocky Mountains was treat enough but we finally arrived in Denver. We got up at the crack of dawn and made it to the Denver Convention Center.

When we walked in and got out much needed cup of coffee we were then hugged by all these beautiful women on our way to the big ballroom in the center. For two days we were bathed in Danette’s light and love. We listened to incredible speakers and were treated to heart centered music by Ajeet Kaur and Monique Benabou. We saw beautiful dancers, we laughed, we cried, we hugged and celebrated each other. When it was over a sad feeling enveloped me but I was determined to RISE above it.

I got Danette’s book and it resonated with me so strongly and ironically I learned we only lived a half hour away from each other in Utah and now we are both in Colorado. I can think of 6 women right off the top of my head who would love this book so Christmas will be easy this year.

It was hard when I got home because I got greeted by a happy husband and my big boy Obi but the hubs was watching the Ken Burn’s documentary on Vietnam and of course there is a certain man living in a big white house in Washington D.C. that does stuff that drives me nuts so I insulate myself from any news of that guy unless my husband wants to catch me up on it….needless to say that wonderful cloud I had been riding on all weekend promptly disappeared and dumped me right back into reality. Then I had to get right back into to work which has maintained its wonderful consistent level of stress (And I LOVE that!) This weekend is the first chance I have had to integrate all that I learned and thought about. So I worked on me time this weekend. I only have three more chapters left to go in the book and I have painted and have dabbled in some journal writing and now here I am throwing myself out to the world again with my ramblings.

The main message I got from the Rise Event was that this planet and this world we live in is in trouble. I think we all know that. It really doesn’t matter if you vote blue or red the one thing we can all agree on is Shit is getting real out there. The only way we can heal this planet is by healing ourselves….especially women who are the creators of life and the nurturers. We need to step into our power and heal ourselves, our men, our children, and this beautiful Mother we call Earth.

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This is a daunting task. For the last few days I have had tears stuck in my throat and its mostly because I do so much for others and my work that by the time I have some time for me I am exhausted. All the fun things I want to do never happens because I am completely depleted. I work 7 days a week. On the weekends I just have to go in for just a bit but then sometimes things happen. Or I go in for a short time but then its time to do things with my husband who spends most of his time alone and because I love this man and love spending time with him I use up my time that I might want to do something fun and creative for me to be with him. Don’t get me wrong….I never regret spending my time with him or friends sometimes but time is something I do not have a lot of. So it truly is difficult to have any kind of balance in my life. And sometimes it begins to be difficult to carrying around the load of responsibility…things begin to break down….like my heart and soul.

Writing was always a healing tool for me and with it being gone from my life for so many years I feel the toll it has taken on me as I stuff everything inside with no outlet for any of it. And frankly if there was ever year for me to write my little heart out 2018 was it. This is a beginning. I am going to set aside my my fear of judgement (especially from my inner critic) and just write until I finally have it back. In my opinion this is extremely weak writing….I have done so much better but you have to get back on that horse so to speak and keep trying to stay on until you have it.

Blessings

Lisa

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Unconditional Love and the Oracle of Delphi

I think the closest I ever came to unconditional love was the love between my grandmother and I. I say this but who knows if it was so.

I left her side when I was 7 to live overseas. I didn’t come back for 8 years and when I did my parents and I moved to Virginia where my family including my grandmother lived in California. I was 15. It was that year that we had our first clue that my grandmother was beginning to show signs of dementia. At first we thought it was Alzheimer’s due to the fact her older brother had it when he had passed away. It was later we found out she was experiencing “mini strokes” and that was the reason she was slowly losing her senses. It was also the year I began to really rebel against my parents. I am so relieved she missed out on that phase of my life….perhaps her love would not have been so unconditional if she saw what I was doing or who I was becoming.

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The second source of unconditional love I experienced was from the 9 dogs I have had since I was 20. I did not have them all at once and they mostly all had very long lives. Once I discovered that love I devoted my life to dogs. First I rescued them, then I learned to groom and had my own grooming business. While doing that I learned to train them and finally I went and got my degree in Biology focusing on Animal Behavior.

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Who I really wanted unconditional love from was my husbands, my only child, my parents and even some friends…..but that is impossible. Looking back on my life I am ashamed I placed such high expectations on them….condemning them to fail in my eyes.

There is only one place, I believe, a person can find unconditional love and that is within themselves. This is why self-love is so freaking important for a person to experience true happiness and fulfillment. I do know that the Creator lives within each and everyone of us and perhaps that is the part we must try to connect to. But you cannot just love some parts of yourselves…you must love it all, the light as well as the shadows. I know for a fact that I will spend the rest of my life trying to achieve this goal for it is a very difficult task.

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I had my first spiritual experience when I was 14. I was living in Athens, Greece. I decided to go on a ski trip with my youth group. It was a very bad year for snow. I had never skied before and there was no snow on the bunny slope. So I got talked into doing some cross country skiing. However the trail we were on was a bit icy in the shadows and I literally went right over the side of the mountain. At that point I was pretty sure skiing just was not for me.  There was also no drinking age in Greece so everyone convinced me that going to a disco bar that night was a great idea as well. Needless to say I got really, really drunk.

Hungover the next day I decided to go visit the ruins right by the village we were staying in. You see the village we were at was Delphi. It is impossible to describe the ruins of Delphi. It is a beautiful, mystical place and should be on everyone’s bucket list. In among these magnificent ruins is the famous site for the Oracle of Delphi. I remember sitting there all alone surrounded by the ancient pillars watching the birds and clouds in the sky as the faint smell of olive trees drifted by me. It was there I felt a strong energy or vibration. Earthquakes were always a problem when I lived in Greece so at first I became alarmed that an earthquake was rumbling my quiet place. I quickly realized this was no earthquake but something all together different. I never heard a voice or saw some angelic being. Rather it was a deep knowing….like the energy that was vibrating around me was waking up the God Spirit within me. It was the energy of unconditional love and it was the most incredible feeling I have every experienced in my life. If I was to try to describe what the experience was like….what actually happened….the only thing I could say was when God reached in and touched my heart.

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I suppose when I was younger to cope with living in a very dysfunctional home I turned my heart off. I had put it carefully in a box and sealed it shut, never to be pricked again. But that day the Sacred had opened that box and after the whole heart opening experience was over I had to go back to my life and it was at that point that I worked very hard to find a way to put my heart back in its box. In doing so I hurt myself more than anyone else could ever had.

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I cannot undo that damage. I cannot wipe out the memories and pain but I have never forgotten the feeling of having my heart released and touched by God. That was the ultimate feeling of unconditional love. That was the day I received a very clear message that I must love myself to ever feel that feeling again.

I drove to see my daughter and my beautiful grandson’s yesterday and it occurred to me on the drive down that I can absolutely forgive myself of all my transgressions. I did the best I could and I cannot hold the blame alone. In fact no one has to be at fault. It was my path. Yes it was a difficult one and I probably made it much harder on myself then it had to be but ultimately I know who I am. It doesn’t really matter if anyone else does. This is really just between me and Spirit. And I believe I am a very good person.

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So….no…I haven’t reached that blissful state of unconditional love from within but I think I took a step closer yesterday. My reward was holding a sweet two month old infant to my chest and it was ecstasy.

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

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