My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


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The Drama of our Bleeding

The Drama of our Bleeding is one of my favorite chapters in one of my favorite books written by poet and cancer survivor Mark Nepo. I highly recommend his book for those searching for Spiritual insight.

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He begins about talking about how in order to feel joy you must also feel pain. This immediately caught my attention as I reflected on how I have coped through unbearable pain in my life by going numb. And it helped. I never cried….on the flip side I never laughed (or even smiled) for years. The world seemed cold and gray and there was absolutely no color. Wound after wound was carved into my heart and my numbness just glossed it over with a temporary scab. The wounds continued to fester beneath that scab but I carried on. Eventually I medicated to find relief from my pain which of course as we all know only brought on more pain. New wounds were carved into my heart and the sad thing was these seemed to be carved by my own hand until the festering over came the scabs and I had arrived at my “rock bottom”. This was a very difficult time because I could no longer ignore the pain I was in …..no matter who created the wounds. I lost everything including the last shred of dignity I had.

In The Drama of our Bleeding Mark tells an interesting bit of little known history about the artist and poet William Blake. Before William began the primary printmaking process was called intaglio which is Italian for carving. In other words, the letters (words) were carved into a copper plate. The ink would fill the tiny wells made by the carving which created the print. The print was made from the lack of something…the voids in the copper plate. William created a new process for printmaking called relief etching. In this process everything around the letters (words) is carved or worn away leaving behind the raised lettering. The print was made from the raised parts which transferred the ink to the paper….the letters were made from what was left behind.

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I’ve learned that the life experience uses both gravities to shape us. We are carved in our humanness, the grooves of our wounds and joys holding a blood-ink that leaves a print of who we are. AND we are eroded by experience of what is not essential, revealing the irrespressible edges of what has always been within each of us since birth.

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It was when I hit rock bottom that the relief etching of my spirit began to emerge. What I found buried under all that pain (and all the ego had piled on top of me such as my anger, victimness, self pity, self medicating etc.) was worth exposing. The beauty of my vulnerability and authenticity is truly something to behold. It is the result of my ongoing practice.

As much as I like to read I love to write every bit as much. My writing is just one aspect of my practice. Weekly and sometimes daily I discover another part of my ego that I whittle away to reveal more of my Self. In my reading I learn new teachings that help shape me but it is life experience…especially the painful parts that erode the parts that cover up the true me. Just this work alone can be so daunting as I have to revisit over and over my shadow parts. This work use to be something I avoided with every ounce of my being. I truly thought if I had to relive my pain I would surely perish. Upon rock bottom I no longer had a choice. The only way to overcome it was to go though it. After doing this for a while I was relieved to learn not only did I not die but the treasure I found on the other side of my pain and shame was priceless.

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I know I have much work still to do….a life time of work…but I celebrate the process because with each step the closer I come to Source. If this is what my life is about….if this is all I ever do….it is enough. It takes courage and faith to ride the waves but I do it because each time I do the beauty of the stillness around me shows me such profound Grace.

So I leave you with some thoughts….in what way has life carved itself into you and in what ways has it eroded you into your true and authenticate Self?

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

Posts I recommend reading:

The Blossoming Child

Loving All That Is

https://kekyeeann.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/spirit-of-fractal/

https://ccladu.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/the-drum-circle/

https://bearfootconnections.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/how-shamanic-energy-healing-can-change-your-life-all-life/

 

 

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My past is Like Organic Chemistry

I am a novice when it comes to seeking and embracing my Higher Self. Though I felt the call most of my life I wasn’t exposed to anything other than what I had grown up with and was surrounded with. My parents were not church goers and in fact my father was an alcoholic. Once I became a teenager I found the “party crowd” and that was where I was at until my early 40’s.

When I met my husband Ron in 2009 he introduced me to past life regression and he talked about things such as angels, guides, higher self, intuition, meditation and being authentic and vulnerable. I was intrigued and wanted to know more. Something deep inside me began to hum and though I didn’t really understand it I found myself stumbling onto a different road in my life. Like with anything in my life I resisted the change. I was hungry for this new spiritual diet I was on but I could not help but fight it as I struggled to hold on to my old habits and beliefs. I didn’t really like any of my old habits and beliefs but it was all I knew. I wasn’t sure how to be any other way.

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Seven years later I am an Ordained Minister of Walking Prayers based solely on the teachings of the Indigenous Peoples of the world. For a long while I was frustrated at my past and yes…I was ashamed at some of the things I did. There is a transitional phase when one jumps onto a new road in life. The direction my new path was taking me diverged from the old road. For a while I bounced back and forth until the space in between became to great. I had to make a decision between one or the other. I chose what I called my Spiritual Road and left behind for good the Ego/Materialistic Road.  Then I just wanted to get angry at myself for being on the Ego Road for so long and I shuddered every time I thought about who I use to be, how I use to think, how I use to behave, etc.

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Fork in the Road Sign

Everyone’s path is different. Some of us struggle our whole lives down the Ego Road never understanding why things seemed so unbalanced and painful. Some of us hop on the Spiritual Road early in life knowing their higher selves are in tuned with the Universe and though they have painful things happen to them they seem to have the tools that helps them stay centered and grounded through the tough times. Then there is someone like me (most of us…maybe?) that discovers the Spiritual Road half way through their life and they are forced to make a decision on what road they would like to take to the end.

I look back now on my past and have decided that my past is somewhat like Organic Chemistry. When I was in college to become a Biologist I knew in order for me to get a Bachelor of Science I would have to take Organic Chemistry. Otherwise I could skip it and just settle for a Bachelor of Arts. I had my sights set on being a scientist so there was no getting around Organic Chemistry. At the time the one instructor who taught it at my college was a Professor named Dr. Hammer. Whenever I walked into his class I would be singing “Hammer Time” in my head. He was brutal. He would flunk more students then he would pass and he pigeon holed students. Once a D student always a D student even if the numbers said C. Most of my college colleagues would wait until summer session to take Organic Chemistry so they would have to go to a different university to take it since he didn’t teach summer session. I was so terrified of Dr. Hammer and his Organic Chemistry I waited until the very end to take it. I signed up for summer session and was getting prepared. Unfortunately that summer he decided to teach. Because I had such bad test anxiety and anxiety in general at that time the school counselor wrote up an explanation for me to take it somewhere else (half the faulty was very opposed to Dr. Hammer’s teaching methods but he had tenure). I had a way out but for some reason I felt compelled to just go with Dr. Hammer. I didn’t want special treatment and I didn’t want him to beat me. I had a 4.0 at the time so I was confident I would do fine. I got a D the first semester and I failed the second semester. Lots was going on in my personal life as well but Dr. Hammer did not help. I asked him one time what it would take for me to do better in his class and he suggested I wear a low cut blouse and sit in the front row. In the end I got through Organic Chemistry. It was painful and humbling but everyone swore it would make me a better Biologist….and they were right. I went on to be the Supervisor of the Animal Research Department at The College of William and Mary despite graduating with a 3.5 GPA.

I realized this morning that my past was kind of like that. A necessary evil in my Earth School of Life. I am still not crazy about my past and the myriad of mistakes and poor decisions I made, however I now realize it all made me a wiser, stronger individual as I walk down my Spiritual Road. I am filled with compassion and empathy for those that are struggling on their own life path. If I can help someone I want to but I do not judge them ever. Even when they do things that are hurtful to others and themselves I understand where they are at in their life. If they never get off the Ego Road I do not judge because I have been there and know how difficult and scary it all is.

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I choose to believe that Spirit had me walk down that difficult Ego Road because it knew I would need that knowledge and compassion later on in my Spiritual Practice….much like I eventually needed Organic Chemistry when I was a practicing Biologist.

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I am profoundly grateful for the person I use to be so I could become the person I am today.

That is my “Wisdom Bit” for the day.

Walk in Beauty

Blog Posts I have enjoyed reading today:

https://talesforlife.wordpress.com/2016/03/02/cigarettes-alcohol-such-ordinary-thieves/

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/1989434/posts/956291589

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/24418663/posts/955976868

https://mathewlyons.wordpress.com/2016/03/08/memory-and-identity-a-personal-history/

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/19762394/posts/6925