I haven’t written in a while because once again I had writer’s block as I wrestled with my resistance to my spiritual awakening. Many wonderful things have occurred to me such as progressing on the building of our home on a beautiful mesa in southwest Colorado. My husband even gifted me with an opportunity to become attuned in Angelic Reiki. But as I incorporate more of my teachings into my daily life I continue to struggle with a frustration and discouragement that has tested me to my core. I am still unemployed and I am still an outsider in my community with no understanding of how I can find a spiritual tribe. Oh, I have been hired but I cannot start until I pass a background check. I am in my fifth week of waiting and I have no resources whatsoever. I stopped seeing my grandchildren because I literally do not have the gas money to drive the hour and a half to go see them. I clean the house, I wash the laundry and I help my husband in anyway I can with the building of our home. I pray and meditate and do self healing on myself. Many of my fellow ministers gathered on top of our sacred mountain in the redwoods of California and even though that is what I needed more than anything in this world I could not go. I feel uninspired and afraid because everywhere I turn there is a road block that will not let me pass. Everything takes money….money I do not have. I even took many webinars that were offered for free but these I found left me more more bereft as they only give you a taste of the teaching that costs hundreds of dollars. The one thing I did have was my writing but even that left me as I could not find my voice.
In my prayer and meditation one thing kept coming in to me and that was to just write. I have sat down with my journal and would puke out a half a page that was empty of meaning or substance. Every morning I wake up and tell myself the only thing holding me back from anything I want in life is myself and so I would have a plan of baby steps to get me through my day and every night I go to bed holding myself in compassion as I tell myself…”It’s okay Lisa, you will get it tomorrow.” But part of the big obstacle for me was just defining what I wanted or needed and because I couldn’t define it I would feel like a spiritual failure.
This morning I turned on Tedx Talks and inspiration came. The first one is called Depression and Spiritual Awakening. In it a woman speaks of her despair of not being able to conceive a child. I understood because I felt like I was despair in not being able to conceive myself.
What stood out to me was what was blocking her….as I know there is something blocking me…I just haven’t figured that part out yet. The other part that stood out to me was she essentially overcame herself by sitting in a sweat lodge with Lakota women and they all shared their sorrows. They held space for each other and when they were complete they sent all their sorrows and prayers together through the smoke up to the Creator. It was incredibly moving and poignant to me. I also got some awareness that I was both the parent searching for the love of her spirit child AND the child that just wanted to be loved. This told me I still must make self love my first priority to my own spiritual healing.
The second one is called Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening.
This was incredibly interesting about a mans journey around the world as he interviewed and photographed Indigenous Shamans and how they became that way. Besides completely resonating with the difficult path many of these people have faced what really stood out for me is each of these people had a community and a mentor to get them through it sanely.
It made me realize there is nothing more precious and healing in this world than having others share your journey and hold space for you as they allow you to hold space for them. This realization has made me think that I want this so badly that I must risk trying to reach out to others in my community for a gathering that I would like to call Sacred Space. I want people to share in my journey. I want them to celebrate my triumphs and hold me when I feel weak and beaten down. And nothing is more healing then being able to offer the same to another.
My first step is writing here. For now this will be my sacred space. This is the place I can share my gift of myself through my writing. I invite you to do the same. And do not be afraid to reach out.
Posts I enjoyed today: