My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


Know Thyself

Yesterday was a bad day….obvious to those who have started reading my blog. However, I knew that it was leading to a shift so I gave myself permission to rant and to play the sad violin for myself. Last night I was gifted with the presence of an angel. She is quite possibly the wisest and most compassionate person on the face of the earth. All she did was hold that precious space for me as I talked to her to work out what my angst was and the solution came from my own voice. That is when you know you are in the presence of a great teacher.

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Now it is time to practice what I preach….to be the change I would like to see in the world. I want to be of service. I want to leave this place just a little better than when I arrived but it just seemed everywhere I turned I was thwarted by my very efforts. Yes…being of service and helping others and our dear Mother Earth is a passion of mine but as my husband asked me the other day “what does that look like?” and I had no answer. I threw out a bunch of stuff and they are all great ideas and aspirations but one must whittle those things down to a specific idea so one can focus more clearly on the “how.” This was a place I have been stuck in for a long time but my own words to my teacher and friend in a letter I wrote clearly stated in black and white what my passion was… own healing.

The road up to this point has been a challenging one but I see so clearly where it has been taking me. To my own healing and to the many beautiful things that can, have and will happen as a result. Everything else is simply ego driven and that is not what the world, or anyone for that matter, needs right now. I have spent my life taking care of others and there towards the end it was not going so well. It led to the most devastating trauma I will ever face. The anger at that trauma is finally gone. It left a month or so ago as I realized it has placed me right here at the door step of my own healing and salvation. There is no longer blame at others or myself. It doesn’t matter HOW I got here, only that I am here!

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I have been so stuck on the fact I do not have the resources to continue learning and growing. I was just mired in my own head day after day…spinning my wheels and nurturing the despair at the lost opportunities, lost dreams and lost hope. I read something this morning that confirmed what I figured out last night:

Sooner or later even the most materialistic person will ask, “What is the point of my life? Why am I here going through all these changes?” The very cry of the heart to know is an affirmation that there are answers, however veiled they may seem at the given moment. We tend to believe- or at least hope- that there will be some authorities around who can answer the mystery of our changing lives. The advice given by the oracle at Delphi was “Man, know thyself”- not “seek an expert”.   ~Gloria Karpinsky

She also wrote that she had once read the difference between mysticism and religion is that religion is believing in someone else’s experience of God, whereas mysticism is believing in your own.

I am a fairly new grandmother. I am entering the autumn phase of my life. This is when Mother Earth hands over her harvest and begins to prepare for the winter cycle. It is time to reap what I have sown for myself which strengthens me to give what I have left over to others who need it. I have the wisdom of years of experience behind me that can inspire others to never give up on themselves. It is also time for me to sit with myself and get to know myself and most importantly to appreciate and love who I am not despite my journey but because of it.

It is a shift. A fragile start but one I am committed to. I can see the years of self abuse and self loathing has taken a toll on my face, my body and my identity. My issues live in my tissues to quote a friend and it is time to finally purge the last of the strongholds from my body. All of that pain can be reversed and nurtured to bloom into peace and a knowing I am doing exactly what I need to. In that way I can be of service.

I have been getting a strong message that mindful meditation is where I need to focus much of my energy and to clean up my diet….treating food as my medicine. I need to hold space for myself and that’s it. Its that simple. All the rest will fall into place. The pause will allow me to rest and let the remainder of my story and journey come in. I need to stop pushing and forcing something to happen when that is already out there….one must prepare the soil before planting.

The aggravating pain in my body that is most intense in my hips, lower back, legs and feet is just evidence that my energy is shifting and cycling around once more from the crown chakra to the root…grounding my energy is vital at this point. Looking at my current financial and living situation is proof of that…its all focused on root chakra issues. The over all malaise is just the energy shift. To put it simply SHIFT HAPPENS!


So I Leave you with a little Rumi:


Pain comes from seeing how arrogant you’ve been, and pain brings you out of this conceit.

A child cannot be born until the mother has pain. You are pregnant with real trust.

The words of the prophets and saints are midwives that help, but first you must feel pain.

To be without pain is to use the first person wrongly. “I” am this. “I” am that.

“I” am God, like al-Hallaj, who waited till that was true to say it. “I” at the wrong time brings a curse. “I” at the right time gives a blessing.

If a rooster crows early when it is still dark, he must have his head cut off. What is this beheading? As one might extract a scorpion’s sting to save it, or a snake’s venom to keep it from being stoned, headlessness comes from your cleansing connection to a teacher.

Hold to a true sheikh. Strength will come. Your strength is his gathering you closer.

Soul of the soul, moment to moment, hope to draw breath from that one.

No matter how long you’ve been apart. That presence has no separation in it.

Do you want to understand more about this friendship?


With Profound Gratitude


Blog Posts I have Enjoyed Today:

Give yourself a break.

Here’s the Truth about Your Grandmother


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My past is Like Organic Chemistry

I am a novice when it comes to seeking and embracing my Higher Self. Though I felt the call most of my life I wasn’t exposed to anything other than what I had grown up with and was surrounded with. My parents were not church goers and in fact my father was an alcoholic. Once I became a teenager I found the “party crowd” and that was where I was at until my early 40’s.

When I met my husband Ron in 2009 he introduced me to past life regression and he talked about things such as angels, guides, higher self, intuition, meditation and being authentic and vulnerable. I was intrigued and wanted to know more. Something deep inside me began to hum and though I didn’t really understand it I found myself stumbling onto a different road in my life. Like with anything in my life I resisted the change. I was hungry for this new spiritual diet I was on but I could not help but fight it as I struggled to hold on to my old habits and beliefs. I didn’t really like any of my old habits and beliefs but it was all I knew. I wasn’t sure how to be any other way.


Seven years later I am an Ordained Minister of Walking Prayers based solely on the teachings of the Indigenous Peoples of the world. For a long while I was frustrated at my past and yes…I was ashamed at some of the things I did. There is a transitional phase when one jumps onto a new road in life. The direction my new path was taking me diverged from the old road. For a while I bounced back and forth until the space in between became to great. I had to make a decision between one or the other. I chose what I called my Spiritual Road and left behind for good the Ego/Materialistic Road.  Then I just wanted to get angry at myself for being on the Ego Road for so long and I shuddered every time I thought about who I use to be, how I use to think, how I use to behave, etc.


Fork in the Road Sign

Everyone’s path is different. Some of us struggle our whole lives down the Ego Road never understanding why things seemed so unbalanced and painful. Some of us hop on the Spiritual Road early in life knowing their higher selves are in tuned with the Universe and though they have painful things happen to them they seem to have the tools that helps them stay centered and grounded through the tough times. Then there is someone like me (most of us…maybe?) that discovers the Spiritual Road half way through their life and they are forced to make a decision on what road they would like to take to the end.

I look back now on my past and have decided that my past is somewhat like Organic Chemistry. When I was in college to become a Biologist I knew in order for me to get a Bachelor of Science I would have to take Organic Chemistry. Otherwise I could skip it and just settle for a Bachelor of Arts. I had my sights set on being a scientist so there was no getting around Organic Chemistry. At the time the one instructor who taught it at my college was a Professor named Dr. Hammer. Whenever I walked into his class I would be singing “Hammer Time” in my head. He was brutal. He would flunk more students then he would pass and he pigeon holed students. Once a D student always a D student even if the numbers said C. Most of my college colleagues would wait until summer session to take Organic Chemistry so they would have to go to a different university to take it since he didn’t teach summer session. I was so terrified of Dr. Hammer and his Organic Chemistry I waited until the very end to take it. I signed up for summer session and was getting prepared. Unfortunately that summer he decided to teach. Because I had such bad test anxiety and anxiety in general at that time the school counselor wrote up an explanation for me to take it somewhere else (half the faulty was very opposed to Dr. Hammer’s teaching methods but he had tenure). I had a way out but for some reason I felt compelled to just go with Dr. Hammer. I didn’t want special treatment and I didn’t want him to beat me. I had a 4.0 at the time so I was confident I would do fine. I got a D the first semester and I failed the second semester. Lots was going on in my personal life as well but Dr. Hammer did not help. I asked him one time what it would take for me to do better in his class and he suggested I wear a low cut blouse and sit in the front row. In the end I got through Organic Chemistry. It was painful and humbling but everyone swore it would make me a better Biologist….and they were right. I went on to be the Supervisor of the Animal Research Department at The College of William and Mary despite graduating with a 3.5 GPA.

I realized this morning that my past was kind of like that. A necessary evil in my Earth School of Life. I am still not crazy about my past and the myriad of mistakes and poor decisions I made, however I now realize it all made me a wiser, stronger individual as I walk down my Spiritual Road. I am filled with compassion and empathy for those that are struggling on their own life path. If I can help someone I want to but I do not judge them ever. Even when they do things that are hurtful to others and themselves I understand where they are at in their life. If they never get off the Ego Road I do not judge because I have been there and know how difficult and scary it all is.


I choose to believe that Spirit had me walk down that difficult Ego Road because it knew I would need that knowledge and compassion later on in my Spiritual Practice….much like I eventually needed Organic Chemistry when I was a practicing Biologist.


I am profoundly grateful for the person I use to be so I could become the person I am today.

That is my “Wisdom Bit” for the day.

Walk in Beauty

Blog Posts I have enjoyed reading today:


My Year with Resistance

While riding with my boss at Adopt-a-Native-Elder (ANE) on the Navajo Reservation we passed a big billboard in Chinle, AZ. that showed a woman in a fetal position with the word  Resilience at the top. It was referring to domestic violence as it is a huge problem on the reservation brought on by alcoholism which was ultimately brought about by the fact these amazing people are essentially a conquered people. But that is a whole different topic. My boss said that she began taking a word a year to explore and heal and this year her word was Resilience. She gave me a warning when I exclaimed “What a great idea!” She said she has been doing this for years….each year a different word. The minute she made the decision to work with Resilience her 91 year old mother began to decline and her hip went out. Her mother died in September and she had a hip replacement in November. She has gotten up close and personal with Resilience….mainly her own.

I heard all that. I really did but I could not get past how great it would be to really commit yourself to a word and stick with it for a year. Every time it would come up it would make you aware how much it is in ones life and force you to examine the role it plays in your life. So in my little room at the Chinle Best Western I sat in front of my “Traveling Altar” and I would pray and meditate on what my word could be. Every night for a week I kept coming up with the word Resistance. I kept rejecting it, praying hard for another word. In other words I was resisting Resistance. Once I realized that very notion I knew I had my word. The next morning in my room at Rodeway Inn (by this time we had moved the food run to Winslow where we could deliver in three more areas) my husband called me to tell me we had sold our house but he wasn’t sure when the closing would be. I had to laugh because that was an obvious example of my resistance to something. I had been resisting selling our house we had just restored after 2 years since he mentioned it to me almost a year ago. I was against it but knew it was the best decision we could make. Then I thought about how well the food run was going and smiled because I was Really resisting going on the food run. I was almost a baby about it. It made me ask why? The answer was always fear.

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I patted myself on the back while getting ready thinking how much I had already conquered and trotted off to my day thinking this Resistance thing was going to be a piece of cake and it must have shown up to prove to myself what a spiritual master I was. I felt like I was definitely in the Vortex which was such a relief.

My food run went really well…I gained more confidence and strength and wisdom on that trip than I think I ever had in a short amount of time. That was last October. It is now March and I am getting my butt kicked. It feels like I feel resistance to just about everything in my life. NOW I understand why this showed up so strong as the answer to my prayers. This is a huge mountain I have to climb and it is exhausting. Don’t get me wrong…I am profoundly grateful and truly feel as if I am a warrior of light right now but some days I just struggle so bad. It triggers small bouts of depression (something I have had address most of my life). I haven’t had to fight depression for almost a year so I was floored that it was showing up again whenever I noticed resistance in my life. Needless to say I have my hands full.

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For now I am sitting with it. This will come up again probably many times until next September when I pick a new word. Have any of you dealt with resistance and if so how does it impact your life?

Walk in Beauty


Other posts I have enjoyed today:

Dealing with My Resistance