My Transformation Memoir

Being the change I would like to see in the world


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Deprogramming Myself

How does one deprogram oneself from self limiting beliefs and self deprecating thoughts? I don’t really know actually but I am working on it.

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I was born into a world filled with people that thought I was a beautiful gift to their lives. As a child I didn’t give it much thought really. It was a given that I was loved and valued. I didn’t think I was better than anyone or that everyone else was less than me. I just was and it felt good. I loved my family and friends and they loved me and that was quite simply enough. Even when bad things happened to me I knew I was precious to those in my world so I could rise above these bad things that were done to me….not because of me but rather in spite of me.

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When I was 7 my mother remarried a man that saw me as a threat to his sense of well being. Then he moved his new small family away from all the people that made me feel safe and valued. At this tender age I found myself half a world and a great big ocean away from these loving people. When I walked in a room I felt the energy of resentment and disdain when all I had ever known was the energy of love and peace and acceptance. I quickly learned that the place I “belonged” was not in my new family but alone in my room. My room became my whole world. Finally two years later I was allowed to get a broken little kitten to share my world with. With my kitty, who had severe spina bifida, I learned to endure my isolation and filled my lonely days with a mystical and colorful imagination.

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But I began to question why. Why was I so unwelcomed? Why was my very presence enough to ruin a grown man’s day? As a young person I had no way of understanding that this man’s reaction to me was his problem….not mine. I loved him so much….why didn’t he love me back? I wanted to be around him….I was so hungry for his approval and acceptance. Didn’t he know that? Maybe it was because I wasn’t worth loving. Maybe there was something very wrong with me. I became reclusive and shy. I was becoming very ashamed of who I was. I had no one to stand up for me or at the very least to remind me of who I was. I slowly forgot that I was a very loved and valued human being. These people who were filled with gratitude that I existed might as well have been dead. They were not there when I needed them the most. It was no longer enough to just be. I had to somehow justify my existence.

My stepfather loved sports. I tried every sport there was but I failed time and time again. I was not a sporty person. I was a small, delicate child that loved to climb trees, pick flowers, read and write long letters to my beloved family back home and I loved the bond I had with my kitty. I sang and played music. All the things my stepfather could have cared less about. I tried to excel at school but it just was never enough. If I got a B I should have had an A. If I got that B up to an A then I should have been doing that all along. I often remember him saying disparaging remarks about College Graduates and Academics. Eventually I just gave up. I compared myself to everyone and I always came up lacking and falling very short.

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As I grew to be a teenager, still living thousands of miles away from my beautiful family in California, I slowly began replacing my step fathers voice with my own. I would tear myself down before he got a chance to do it first. I got very, very good at this one thing…a skill I have honed and refined to a fine art as I got older. I even surrounded myself with people that agreed with this brutal voice in my head which only further confirmed what I had come to believe as fact. “See Lisa, just as you have always suspected….you are ugly, worthless, stupid, and undeserving!”

I am 49 now and I know all of  this now to be untrue but how does one deprogram years and years of brainwashing and reprogram with the truth? I don’t know really. It is something I work hard at….to the point of madness. It’s exhausting work, especially having it do it alone. I guess that is why I love my Spiritual Tribe of my Minister Brothers and Sisters. They are constantly reminding me that I am a beautiful child of God. Sometimes I can actually see myself through their eyes. But our time together is very short and limited so eventually my familiar and comfortable self abusing thoughts creep back in leaving me crippled and debilitated.

This is a very difficult place to be in. I am in the in between place of habit and knowing better. More days than not I feel like a deer caught in headlights…..wanting to go and shine but too afraid to move just in case my step father was right all along. Every day I ask Spirit for help in letting go of those self limiting beliefs but it takes 4 things that I find really difficult to obtain….

Surrender. Trust. Allowing. Receiving. Basically to just let go and let it be.

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My greatest wish is one day to can find a way to rest in that. To find a way to risk and reach for my potential….the potential to find peace and to offer myself to the world in a way that makes me feel complete. It is my greatest desire to do so and if I can finally conquer my fear…well who knows what can happen.

Until then I will struggle to deprogram the lies and reprogram the soothing idea that I am beautiful, worthy, brilliant, and deserving!

I leave you with a song my grandmother use to sing to me…..one of those people that had me convinced at one time that those above descriptions were true:

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

Just a side note: My grandmother, whom I adored and adored me, had no possessions when she died…except for a box….filled with the letters I had written her when I lived so very far away.

 

Blog posts I have enjoyed today:

https://bearfootconnections.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/shamanic-drumming-video/

43 Perfect Letting Go Quotes For Moving On

Mind, Body, Soul Newsletter – March 2016

A Great horned owl’s flyby

https://livinglearningandlettinggo.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/on-living-and-dying-day-1-by-chaitanya-poole/

All in

http://sarcastica.ca/2016/05/scorned/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/scars/

https://higherdensity.wordpress.com/2016/05/01/teal-swan-the-catch-up-effect-the-real-reason-we-fear-change/

What’s your why?

 


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Sharing and Holding Sacred Space

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I haven’t written in a while because once again I had writer’s block as I wrestled with my resistance to my spiritual awakening. Many wonderful things have occurred to me such as progressing on the building of our home on a beautiful mesa in southwest Colorado. My husband even gifted me with an opportunity to become attuned in Angelic Reiki. But as I incorporate more of my teachings into my daily life I continue to struggle with a frustration and discouragement that has tested me to my core. I am still unemployed and I am still an outsider in my community with no understanding of how I can find a spiritual tribe. Oh, I have been hired but I cannot start until I pass a background check. I am in my fifth week of waiting and I have no resources whatsoever. I stopped seeing my grandchildren because I literally do not have the gas money to drive the hour and a half to go see them. I clean the house, I wash the laundry and I help my husband in anyway I can with the building of our home. I pray and meditate and do self healing on myself. Many of my fellow ministers gathered on top of our sacred mountain in the redwoods of California and even though that is what I needed more than anything in this world I could not go. I feel uninspired and afraid because everywhere I turn there is a road block that will not let me pass. Everything takes money….money I do not have. I even took many webinars that were offered for free but these I found left me more more bereft as they only give you a taste of the teaching that costs hundreds of dollars. The one thing I did have was my writing but even that left me as I could not find my voice.

In my prayer and meditation one thing kept coming in to me and that was to just write. I have sat down with my journal and would puke out a half a page that was empty of meaning or substance. Every morning I wake up and tell myself the only thing holding me back from anything I want in life is myself and so I would have a plan of baby steps to get me through my day and every night I go to bed holding myself in compassion as I tell myself…”It’s okay Lisa, you will get it tomorrow.” But part of the big obstacle for me was just defining what I wanted or needed and because I couldn’t define it I would feel like a spiritual failure.

This morning I turned on Tedx Talks and inspiration came. The first one is called Depression and Spiritual Awakening. In it a woman speaks of her despair of not being able to conceive a child. I understood because I felt like I was despair in not being able to conceive myself.

What stood out to me was what was blocking her….as I know there is something blocking me…I just haven’t figured that part out yet. The other part that stood out to me was she essentially overcame herself by sitting in a sweat lodge with Lakota women and they all shared their sorrows. They held space for each other and when they were complete they sent all their sorrows and prayers together through the smoke up to the Creator. It was incredibly moving and poignant to me. I also got some awareness that I was both the parent searching for the love of her spirit child AND the child that just wanted to be loved. This told me I still must make self love my first priority to my own spiritual healing.

The second one is called Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening.

This was incredibly interesting about a mans journey around the world as he interviewed and photographed Indigenous Shamans and how they became that way. Besides completely resonating with the difficult path many of these people have faced what really stood out for me is each of these people had a community and a mentor to get them through it sanely.

It made me realize there is nothing more precious and healing in this world than having others share your journey and hold space for you as they allow you to hold space for them. This realization has made me think that I want this so badly that I must risk trying to reach out to others in my community for a gathering that I would like to call Sacred Space. I want people to share in my journey. I want them to celebrate my triumphs and hold me when I feel weak and beaten down. And nothing is more healing then being able to offer the same to another.

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My first step is writing here. For now this will be my sacred space. This is the place I can share my gift of myself through my writing. I invite you to do the same. And do not be afraid to reach out.

With Gratitude

Lisa

Posts I enjoyed today:

Lift Your Spirit Up

https://celiaelaine.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/return-of-heaven-2/

https://discover.wordpress.com/2016/04/25/clay-jonathan-depression-comix/

http://www.mtv.com/news/2871992/prince-cant-die/

Yogic Anxieties

There Are Thieves In The Temple Tonight


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The Drama of our Bleeding

The Drama of our Bleeding is one of my favorite chapters in one of my favorite books written by poet and cancer survivor Mark Nepo. I highly recommend his book for those searching for Spiritual insight.

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He begins about talking about how in order to feel joy you must also feel pain. This immediately caught my attention as I reflected on how I have coped through unbearable pain in my life by going numb. And it helped. I never cried….on the flip side I never laughed (or even smiled) for years. The world seemed cold and gray and there was absolutely no color. Wound after wound was carved into my heart and my numbness just glossed it over with a temporary scab. The wounds continued to fester beneath that scab but I carried on. Eventually I medicated to find relief from my pain which of course as we all know only brought on more pain. New wounds were carved into my heart and the sad thing was these seemed to be carved by my own hand until the festering over came the scabs and I had arrived at my “rock bottom”. This was a very difficult time because I could no longer ignore the pain I was in …..no matter who created the wounds. I lost everything including the last shred of dignity I had.

In The Drama of our Bleeding Mark tells an interesting bit of little known history about the artist and poet William Blake. Before William began the primary printmaking process was called intaglio which is Italian for carving. In other words, the letters (words) were carved into a copper plate. The ink would fill the tiny wells made by the carving which created the print. The print was made from the lack of something…the voids in the copper plate. William created a new process for printmaking called relief etching. In this process everything around the letters (words) is carved or worn away leaving behind the raised lettering. The print was made from the raised parts which transferred the ink to the paper….the letters were made from what was left behind.

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I’ve learned that the life experience uses both gravities to shape us. We are carved in our humanness, the grooves of our wounds and joys holding a blood-ink that leaves a print of who we are. AND we are eroded by experience of what is not essential, revealing the irrespressible edges of what has always been within each of us since birth.

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It was when I hit rock bottom that the relief etching of my spirit began to emerge. What I found buried under all that pain (and all the ego had piled on top of me such as my anger, victimness, self pity, self medicating etc.) was worth exposing. The beauty of my vulnerability and authenticity is truly something to behold. It is the result of my ongoing practice.

As much as I like to read I love to write every bit as much. My writing is just one aspect of my practice. Weekly and sometimes daily I discover another part of my ego that I whittle away to reveal more of my Self. In my reading I learn new teachings that help shape me but it is life experience…especially the painful parts that erode the parts that cover up the true me. Just this work alone can be so daunting as I have to revisit over and over my shadow parts. This work use to be something I avoided with every ounce of my being. I truly thought if I had to relive my pain I would surely perish. Upon rock bottom I no longer had a choice. The only way to overcome it was to go though it. After doing this for a while I was relieved to learn not only did I not die but the treasure I found on the other side of my pain and shame was priceless.

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I know I have much work still to do….a life time of work…but I celebrate the process because with each step the closer I come to Source. If this is what my life is about….if this is all I ever do….it is enough. It takes courage and faith to ride the waves but I do it because each time I do the beauty of the stillness around me shows me such profound Grace.

So I leave you with some thoughts….in what way has life carved itself into you and in what ways has it eroded you into your true and authenticate Self?

Walk in Beauty

Sunny

Posts I recommend reading:

The Blossoming Child

Loving All That Is

https://kekyeeann.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/spirit-of-fractal/

https://ccladu.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/the-drum-circle/

https://bearfootconnections.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/how-shamanic-energy-healing-can-change-your-life-all-life/